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[personal profile] kirby1024
I have often felt that certain people in my various social groups are "natural connectors" - they're people who seem to have their fingers in so many pies that you'll often meet random strangers who know them, even though they come from completely different social groups. It's always a bit weird when it happens.

Today I had an interesting experience on the other side.

I've made several posts about Steve's death, and I made the decision to make them public, partially because I wanted to grieve publicly, and partially because I knew that a lot of people who knew Steve read my posts, but might not be on my Friends list, and I wanted Steve's friends to know. I did the same thing with my Uncle Michael - I wanted my family to be able to read what I'd written about him, so being public with my grief was important. With my Uncle, it turned out that a few people found my LJ, and left messages (and a couple of people commented about it at the funeral). Thanks to those, I learned a lot more about my Uncle.

Today a random person friended me on GTalk. It was someone from a forum that Steve used to frequent. He'd been a constant internet friend of Steve, and he'd noticed that Steve hadn't talked much for the last month. He'd started doing some research with what little he knew about Steve, and eventually found my posts on Steven, and then, of course, sent me a chat message. We ended up talking about him for a good hour, and honestly? It was good to confirm a lot of stuff about Steve with someone who'd known him for at least as long as I had, even if they'd never met him in the flesh. That someone outside of his physical presence had worried about Steve enough to hunt down and find out what happened. That he had enough of an impact on the places he hung out that he did not go gently into that good night.

And then, Steve's friend posted to the forum that he frequented about Steve's suicide (You need an account on the forum to view the page). In less than half a day, that thread is already at 4 pages long, of people who knew his posts, of those who never met him, of those who played against him in the online world. All these people who knew Steve, who I certainly never knew about. All those people who you always worry will never get to know. Now they knew, and more than a few people were crying at the news.

I'm still not over Steve's death, and I know there's still a lot of processing that needs to go on, but for the first time in a while I honestly feel hopeful about Steve's death. In life alone, he has touched people all around the world, not just those in his hometown.

And it has shown me that the path I tread, the attempt to keep as much of my life and emotions in the public sphere as I can, to publicly process all the crap and shit that's happened in the past while? It's helping people. As strange as it is to be the connector now, I'm glad to be there. I'm out there enough that I can be a beacon for people.

It's worth it, all of it.


kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)

January 2011

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