kirby1024: Neon outline of Kirby on black (Kirby Neon)
Thanks to a change in my work schedule, I now have Mondays off, which is fantastic because I have been sick since Thursday, and I get extra time off without sacrificing money. After driving home this morning from [personal profile] erinkyan's place, I thought that a good idea would be to actually start all that filing that I've not really got around to since I moved in, so I could declutter a bit.

This is a bit rambly.

I'd forgotten how much stuff I keep randomly locked away in my filing box. Encountered quite a few surprises, both good and bad. I found all my old SECASA stuff (which I'm keeping - who knows when that's going to be useful again), and I found old momentos from years past (one of which was a letter that [personal profile] erinkyan wrote for me while he was sitting in a cafe). And paper. So very many pieces of paper, a lot I need to keep, but a lot I ended up throwing out. It's actually kinda empowering - there's about half a moving box full of paper that I kept for one reason or another but I no longer need at all.

A long time ago, I made a conscious decision not to live in the past. I'm not the kind of person that keeps a lot of physical artifacts of history - the clutter that they create never seems worth the memories. I wonder if part of it is because my past hurts a lot. There's a lot of terrible things that have happened, and I've done a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of at all, and I guess that the safest thing I can do is isolate myself a little from it. Move forward, don't dwell on what I was, and instead aspire to be someone better.

But my past still has sway in who I am, I can't actually run away from it entirely. Going through my history, even if it's in old receipts, bits and pieces of con games I've run, letters from lovers and tickets to events, just made me go through a whole bunch of that history, and I'm feeling a little fragile from it right now. I'm glad I did it, if only because it gave me a chance to organise it a little better, so maybe next time I won't end up shocking myself with old memories when I need to find an old bank statement.

But it hurts. I can't wait for the day when the traumas become distant enough that I can look back on them safely, because apparently it hasn't come yet.
kirby1024: Powerful Kirby Icon (Kirby Spark)
So, on Thursday, a nasty thing happenned to me. I was travelling between my resource centre and the docklands resource centre, and had just gotten off the tram. I then decided to cheat and walk off the wrong end of the tram platform to save time, and when walking off, fell badly on my ankle and did a quite bad sprain to it.

I've been going to a new psychologist for the last month or so, and one of the big things he has been trying to teach me is to slow down, to stop trying to race through everything, and just... experience the world, because it's something I'm clearly not good at. Recently he's been encouraging me to walk slower and eat slower, to try and get me to observe myself and my world while I do these things.

Now, I don't have much of a choice - my sprained ankle is forcing me to slow down. And it's becoming so very clear now why my psychologist was pushing me to slow down: because I hate it. I really, really hate slowing down.

Everytime I've gone around walking in the last couple of days, I've been constantly pushing up against my desire to go faster, to rush, to go as fast as I can. Only now, I'm slower than [ profile] not_in_denial. Normally he's the one telling me to slow down for his sake. On the walk home from the city, he was deliberately walking circles round me.

And the worst bit is that I realise now why I was pushing myself so much, constantly jumping from activity to activity, never really letting myself stop - because I was afraid of actually feeling. And I realised this because I actually started feeling. And oddly enough, it was not fun.

I seem to use distraction a lot as a way of avoiding negative feelings. When I'm alone at home, I'm usually engrossed in either watching something, or playing something, right up until I go to bed, at which point I fall asleep within 5-10 minutes and get to blessed unconsciousness. But now? I'm not at my place, where all my distractions are - I'm at [ profile] not_in_denial's place, because walking up 2 flights of stairs on a bad ankle was more than a little daunting. So, now I have very few distractions. And I keep feeling things. And those things I feel force me to confront them, and I've been doing such a good job of not having to confront them for a very long time.

And even when I do confront them, it's never on any deep level. I engage on the most superficial level, then run screaming from them. I don't want to do the heavy work of dealing with my shit, I just want to feel better. I almost engage in this hit-and-run tactic of placatig my issues just long enough to bury them again. And I think I'm trapped in this cycle, because I'm not very good at looking past the first solution I come across. I pick a way of doing things, and then I do everything possible to make that solution work, even if it causes me to go through callisthenics to do it.

And this doesn't seem right at all, I think. And all it took for me to realise this was a very painful sprained ankle.

More later, maybe.
kirby1024: Powerful Kirby Icon (Kirby Spark)
It has been some time since I've posted anything significant in my journal. I think it's about time to start reversing this trend. Alas, this post is quite heavy and angsty, so enter at your own peril

Wherein I discuss my idiot of a brain and how it continues to impede my relationships. Extremely long. )


kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)

January 2011

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