kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
The Virginia Tech shootings have only recently come to my attention, me being away when they occurred. I must admit, it has brought up some interesting emotions and memories.

On October 22, 2002, there was a shooting at Monash University. I won't go through the details - they're available for anyone who wants to look through them. Discussions on other communities of mine regarding the incident have had me sifting through these memories again. To be honest, they're kinda eating at me, so I figured I'd throw as many of them here as I could. So often, writing these things down seems to help.

I'll admit, it's not like I was close to the shootings when they happened. It was probably a hit-and-miss as to whether I was even on the campus at the time - I'd missed the bus I'd intended to take that day, and I was on the bus to uni when the shootings happened. I probably got off the bus about 5-10 minutes after the shootings happened. Of course, had I have actually caught the correct bus that day, chances are I would have been in the Menzies basement computer labs doing study. Can't claim it was a near miss, since of course, the basement was nowhere near the shootings. But still.

I remember seeing Lara that day and her hugging me tightly, not quite knowing why until someone (I think she) told me that there had been some gunshots in the Menzies Building.

I remember not having a clue what was going on. There was never any announcement of what had happened, we were as starved for information as probably the rest of the world. I remember that there were a bunch of stories going around that day. That there was a sniper on the roof of the Menzies Building. That there was a second shooter. A whole bunch of stuff on that vein.

I remember hearing that the Campus Centre had been locked down with the Menzies building. I also remember how much of a joke that was - they'd closed the doors from the outside, but all the students inside the Centre just kept opening the door for everyone.

I remember sitting at Korner, when gurneys started coming through the campus centre, on their way to the Doctor's Clinic. All of us there wondering what had happened.

I remember a friend of mine, who'd been teaching a class on the floor above, coming down about lunchtime, saying how he'd just fled. He'd left his class and just fled. I remember him being very wired that day, I remember him saying something along the lines of "I didn't even think about the students, I just ran". Of course, later I found out that I'd completely misheard the conversation. The problem of hearing 5-10 second snippets of conversation where rumours were flying everywhere.

I remember that the mobile network hit capacity pretty damn quickly. I couldn't get a line out on my phone, certainly. I tried quite a few times, but the mobile tower had clearly been flooded. I tried the payphones, but of course the line up for them was massive. I managed to get to a payphone and of course, when I tried to get through to my dad the line was engaged. I had no more coins, so I ended up going to Clubs and Societies and begging them to let me use their phone to call my Dad so he could let everyone know that I was okay.

I remember another friend of mine, Jasmine, who came into Korner noting that she'd been interviewed by SBS down near the Law building.

I remember a bunch of people getting counselling, but I wasn't one of them. I didn't even take the Special Consideration at the end of that semester. I didn't feel I was greatly affected, and I don't think I was particularly at the time. I recall that the University had basically decided that all Special Consideration applications would be accepted, so of course just about everyone applied. At the time, of course, I didn't consider myself the kind of person to need Special Consideration.

I remember that I didn't find out that classes were cancelled until I actually went to my class that day (an Astronomy Lecture). It was intended to be one of the First Year Debates that Lecture, but my lecturer at the time noted that there wasn't really much point to holding them at that point.

I remember looking through countless news websites, desperately trying to find some information about what was going on. I also remember going to my regular communities online, and letting them know that I was okay.

I remember that night crying my eyes out. I remember that I'd gone out that night, I think to meet up with a guy, and that while I was fine during the meet-up, when I was PTing home it burst like a dam. I remember my parents berating me for taking Public Transport in that kind of state. I'll admit, in hindsight it was a very bad idea to go out that night, but I'd planned it in advance, and I hated missing appointments.

I remember that during the following week, I'd grab the paper at Korner to look at the articles about the shootings. I don't recall what I learned from the articles. Actually, I don't even remember any particular incidents when I was reading.

I remember a few months later, when I started doing Tour Guides around the uni. Naturally one of the parts of the tour was looking at the Menzies building, and high school students being as they are, naturally they were morbidly curious about the shootings and such. I remember not being particularly impressed at the time, although I don't recall me feeling more than mild irritation. Then again, I was less in touch with myself then than I am now. Nothing had really broken the emotional shielding that I'd perfected in high school. If it was there, I didn't let myself feel it.

I remember last year, when me and Lara went to see a documentary about the Shootings. I remember that it was a superb documentary. I think me and Lara talked about it a bit, but I don't recall the exact conversation. My mum, I recall, thought it was madness to go. She noted that she'd never put herself through that. I don't recall it traumatising me at all. I remember going because, like on the day, I wanted to learn everything I could about the shootings. I'm not sure it was ever a morbid curiosity, I think it was more a drive to make sense of it. To know, and to make it less scary. I remember that the documentary was quite excellent, except for one point where it jumped out of style, and I remember being a bit jolted by that.
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Kirby Fire)
As much as I'm uncertain as to who reads my LJ for what reasons, I feel that I should keep people on my list aware of what's happening in my life, even the stuff that I'm probably still a little uncomfortable talking about. And so, this post catches up on some of the less savoury parts of my life.

Cut for Politeness's sake )
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
Yesterday, I took a step I'm not entirely sure I was capable of doing. I let the Queer Lounge community know what he did to me.

It's a step. Perhaps not quite as big a step as going to the police about it, but a step at least. I've not exactly been silent about what he did to me, but for the most part, It's not reached the ears of people who actually know him. And now, it has. At least that community can watch for him.

And yet...

I feel like there's a war inside of me. Part of me wants to make him suffer to the fullest extent of the law. To make sure he doesn't get to do to anyone else what he did to me (and apparently almost did to another). Another part... I dunno. Is scared? Wants no more part in it? Is afraid of going to the police and nothing happening? There's a massive block in my head, that's resisting the first urge. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why it's there. What's feeding it. Why I can't pick up the phone and call the police.

And it's really starting to get to me. Because it's not the only mental block in my head that I've been trying to grapple with recently. I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind, and that frustrates me on a deep level. I feel like I should be able to deal with this.
kirby1024: Powerful Kirby Icon (Kirby Spark)
It's funny what you find looking back on your LJ. Considering the trials and tribulations I've been through the past while, it's interesting to see the antecedents of what happenned prior. The post linked to above was written just after New Years, when I had decided to stay with [livejournal.com profile] fireflyfaery rather than break up with her. It was originally set to Private, seeing as I wasn't really sure whether I wanted people to see what was happenning then. Of course, so much has happenned since then, that I've switched it over to Friends-only instead.

It seems odd, to look at me then, and to look at me now, with all the things that have happenned in between. As sucktacular as the last few months have been, I think that I've become someone better for it all. I've discovered a well of courage I didn't know existed, and a flood of friendship I'm not entirely sure I was expecting. I've had so much help from those around me, and I've found that with that help, I've learned to be stronger in myself. I'm discovering that I'm capable of so much more than I thought I was ever capable of doing.

For the first time in a while, I think I'm feeling confident about my future. There are still things that need addressing, it's not like I'm over the events of the last few months, and I'm still not sure how these things will play out by the end. But I think I have the strength to deal with these things, however they end up manifesting.

And knowing that makes so much of a difference.

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kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
kirby1024

January 2011

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