An Update

May. 9th, 2009 04:53 pm
kirby1024: Powerful Kirby Icon (Kirby Spark)
So, it's been a while since I've updated, mostly because Dreamwidth and my work computers apparently don't get on too well, and screw up layouts enough that I can't actually write up an entry. Ah well.

Me and my psych came up with something interesting. I've been feeling very... fragile and meh for a while, and while I've been having fun every so often, I've been feeling very... unfulfilled. It's taken me a while to figure out why this is been the case, and I think I now know why - I'm not at uni.

See, thing is, I have always said that academia was where I wanted to be. Being at uni, studying things, it just made the rest of me, well, work. There wasn't much that could get me down as long as I knew I was on the path that I'd chosen in life. And thing is? I'm not right now. I'm stuck in a job, working hard to pay my debts off so I can go back to uni. But it seems so far away, and I don't seem to be making much progress on anything. So I've been feeling crap, and not facing the world much, because I'm not studying, at all.

Of course, that's not going to change for a while - the money still needs to be paid off, and I'm not sure I can juggle everything effectively and still go to uni. But, I decided that somehow, I have to get back into study, even if it's just a little course. So I decided to put down the money and start a German course, of which my first lesson was today.

It was good, actually. To be back in a classroom was good, although my head apparently has lost some of it's focus, and I'm actually going to have to work hard to keep everything in my head. But I'm looking forward to it, honestly. I'm not heading on the track I really want, but at least for once I'm moving, and it's not like German isn't useful to a Linguist, after all.

Now, back to cleaning house, after neglecting it since, well, last time I posted a big entry, to tell you the truth. Cleaning house is hard with a sprained arm! Thankfully it's starting to recover well, although I am so very sick of telling students at work about it when they ask!
kirby1024: Kirby taking a ride on a star. (Kirby Wheee!!!)
On Sunday I had my big Birthday party at Alma Park, and it was indeed awesome. The start of the party had me a bit worried about the cloud cover, but it cleared up nicely.

I had lots of fun with lots of people, ate lots of food and had big, ginormous cake of DOOM! I'm glad I picked the playground I did, because everyone got right into the spirit of things, jumping up and down on the play equipment, running around like giddy kids. I even gave [ profile] metal_dog a high-speed piggy back! We had a lot of people regress back to children, and I for one enjoyed it immensely!

Alas, the high-speed piggy-back failed big-time, as I lost balance and went careening into the ground, and sprained my arm. Ouch. Meant I had my arm in a sling for the rest of the party, and while it didn't stop me from enjoying everyone's company, I was very annoyed at the fact that I hadn't managed to play on the flying fox before I was injured. Yes, that's the thing that annoyed me most. Not the pain, not the fact that I'd rendered my arm functionally useless for any of it's real purposes, but the fact that I couldn't play on any of the playground equipment anymore. Figures.

Once the party finished (the fact that I was happy to wait until the end of the party just shows that it wasn't at all a big deal) we went to the Alfred Emergency to get the arm looked at, just to make sure that there was no major damage. Just as a brief note, Why has noone told me how awesome modern X-ray machines are these days? I watched the X-Ray machine fold out into it's little table, and I was just standing there, totally geeking out, and also a little terrified, in that way when you see big robots doing their stuff for the first time, so you don't quite know whether or not it's coming for you. Once it folded out I actually yelled out "THAT WAS AWESOME!". Because it was.

As you'd expect, the emergency people said "It's a sprain, use it as little as possible, it'll be fine in a couple of days, take bandages and sling." So, I've been hanging around [ profile] not_in_denial's place for the last couple of days, and he has been taking care of me. Which has brought a few feelings to the surface, which I'll probably post about later today, I think.

As a few people have pointed out "It's the sign of a great party when there's a trip to Emergency afterwards!" - Which I'm not sure I agree with, but it was a hell of an awesome party!

In other unrelated news, I apparently won the Dreamwidth OpenID lottery, and I now have a Dreamwidth account. I was actually planning on paying for one a month or two after open beta, once it shook down a little, but I'm happy to play around with it now. When I'm able, I'll probably import everything from my LJ over there, and start anew, and just crosspost from dreamwidth instead, since I'm liking how it's shaping up. It's looking quite good, all things considered.
kirby1024: Powerful Kirby Icon (Kirby Spark)
So, on Thursday, a nasty thing happenned to me. I was travelling between my resource centre and the docklands resource centre, and had just gotten off the tram. I then decided to cheat and walk off the wrong end of the tram platform to save time, and when walking off, fell badly on my ankle and did a quite bad sprain to it.

I've been going to a new psychologist for the last month or so, and one of the big things he has been trying to teach me is to slow down, to stop trying to race through everything, and just... experience the world, because it's something I'm clearly not good at. Recently he's been encouraging me to walk slower and eat slower, to try and get me to observe myself and my world while I do these things.

Now, I don't have much of a choice - my sprained ankle is forcing me to slow down. And it's becoming so very clear now why my psychologist was pushing me to slow down: because I hate it. I really, really hate slowing down.

Everytime I've gone around walking in the last couple of days, I've been constantly pushing up against my desire to go faster, to rush, to go as fast as I can. Only now, I'm slower than [ profile] not_in_denial. Normally he's the one telling me to slow down for his sake. On the walk home from the city, he was deliberately walking circles round me.

And the worst bit is that I realise now why I was pushing myself so much, constantly jumping from activity to activity, never really letting myself stop - because I was afraid of actually feeling. And I realised this because I actually started feeling. And oddly enough, it was not fun.

I seem to use distraction a lot as a way of avoiding negative feelings. When I'm alone at home, I'm usually engrossed in either watching something, or playing something, right up until I go to bed, at which point I fall asleep within 5-10 minutes and get to blessed unconsciousness. But now? I'm not at my place, where all my distractions are - I'm at [ profile] not_in_denial's place, because walking up 2 flights of stairs on a bad ankle was more than a little daunting. So, now I have very few distractions. And I keep feeling things. And those things I feel force me to confront them, and I've been doing such a good job of not having to confront them for a very long time.

And even when I do confront them, it's never on any deep level. I engage on the most superficial level, then run screaming from them. I don't want to do the heavy work of dealing with my shit, I just want to feel better. I almost engage in this hit-and-run tactic of placatig my issues just long enough to bury them again. And I think I'm trapped in this cycle, because I'm not very good at looking past the first solution I come across. I pick a way of doing things, and then I do everything possible to make that solution work, even if it causes me to go through callisthenics to do it.

And this doesn't seem right at all, I think. And all it took for me to realise this was a very painful sprained ankle.

More later, maybe.


kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)

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