kirby1024: Neon outline of Kirby on black (Kirby Neon)
For the last decade at least, I have been moving towards one goal in life - to become an academic. It was something I decided on when I realised how much I loved university, and how much I loved studying and learning. Almost every action in my life has basically been about how this will help me get to this goal in my life. A lot of the frustration and unhappiness in my life has been when this goal has become unclear to me - when the obstacles have seemed too great, or when something has required me to change my plans.

But I've been wondering recently. The person who made that choice, the me that made that goal, that was a long time ago - almost 8 years ago, in fact. As one might expect, 8 years will do a lot to a person. Hell, just the past 4 years have changed me, to someone I'm not sure the me from 8 years ago would recognise. And I've been looking at that goal, wondering: Is that the goal that I really want now? I do want to learn, I do want to study. These are things that I still want to do, and still drive my passions. But am I cut out for academia? Academia is a lot more than studying and learning - it's an entire culture and way of life, and can be a very cut-throat world, full of competition for time and funding.

When I was in uni, as a student, it was all very simple - I loved uni, I loved the people there, and I had no real plans to leave and do anything else. I'd found my home, and it was a great home. Now that I've been gone a while though, I've been occasionally looking back, looking at that culture from where I am now, and I can't say that it inspires me terribly now. I'm just not sure that what I want to do is worth everything that I'm going to have to put up with to do it.

The question afterwards, of course, becomes what do I do now, and I'm not really sure on that one just yet. I've focused on the one goal for so long that I never even looked at everything else that I could be doing. I'm fairly certain I don't want to be a real perpetual uni student (I'm not even sure that's sustainable these days), and I know that I'm not terribly interested in being a Call Centre monkey forever either. Some things are pretty constant regardless of what I decide to aim for (for example, paying off debt is going to be prereq for most things that require a big change in income), so it doesn't change the current course of my life too much. But past the short term, I'm just not sure what's next for me, and I can't help but worry about that somewhat, even though worrying doesn't seem to be coming up with any answers. I'm not sure I want to drift from goal to goal, never having a real clue of where I'm going to end up.

It's just a big question mark in my life, and it's only confronting because I'd never realised how big that was, and how fragile what was covering it was, before I started questioning it. And to answer it, I have to do that thing that I'm not so great at doing, which is actually knowing myself enough to have a goal I want to work towards.

It's at times like these I really wish I had a better handle on myself. Then again, maybe I have a better handle on myself than I thought if I'm in this quandry...
kirby1024: Neon outline of Kirby on black (Kirby Neon)
So, it's been quite some time since a life update. To be fair, there's been a few aborted attempts. I'm not sure why I'm finding it so hard to update about my life at the moment - it's not like there's anything terribly stressful, and it's not like there hasn't been much to talk about. Just every time I start writing an update, I start reading what I've written and come to the stunning conclusion that I would never read that shit. It keeps coming out boring and stilted, is always describing the events in my life, but never my reactions to it. I try to add reactions after I describe the events, but that makes it kinda worse - it just feels like I'm adding another boring tag to the end of my boring updates on my life.

And I wonder when that happened. I mean, I've done life updates before, I used to do it all the time, going in-depth about it. But suddenly? I just can't let that stuff go to print.

Ah well. This post should rectify this, and dammit, I intend to finish this one before I leave work!

My life in words. Well, not all of it, mind, but a bit of it and... oh just click on the link, it's all behind here... )

Well, that update went much better than the last attempts!
kirby1024: Neon outline of Kirby on black (Kirby Neon)
Man, it's been a while since I actually updated people on my life. Guess that's kinda what happens when you get busy!

Well, in the past few months since I did a life update, There's been lots and lots of changes. For example, today I just finished my last exam. Hopefully, this is the very last exam I'll ever be doing for uni - I'll be graduating at the end of the year! Yay!

In related news, this means that my current job has kinda stopped for the year, and in fact, I won't be eligible for the job for next year, since it's a student-only position. Thus, for the past couple of weeks, I've been desperately seeking other employment. I ended up looking at two possible jobs, one was a face-to-face sales/marketing role for a sales/marketing outsourcing company, and other was as a Telstra phone monkey. I just got a call today to confirm that I actually got the Telstra job!

This is rather exciting for me, because it's the first time that I've ever had a full time job, EVAR. After a few quick off-the-cuff calculations, I've figured that I'll be zooming from my $200/week previous job to a $700+/week new position. With leave and sick days! And penalty Rates! So. Very. AWESOME!!! It means I'll actually have disposable money to spend on stuff other than living, which is a very new experience for me. I'm already mentally spending the first few paychecks, which I probably shouldn't do, but is kinda hard not to. After all, what good is money if you can't spend it?

So yes, rather exciting, really. The only real downside is that it's a full time job, so I probably won't be spending a lot of time around the place now. Not that I was spending that much time around the place anyway, but it was nice having free time to spend in [ profile] not_in_denial's arms.

So, yeah. The last few weeks have seen me be exceptionally busy and move very quickly out of University mode and right into Life mode. I'm quite looking forward to it, really.


kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)

January 2011

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