Dec. 28th, 2010 02:23 am
kirby1024: Neon outline of Kirby on black (Kirby Neon)
And so, this journal reaches the end of another year, safe and sound. I used to have a tradition (as so many LJers and DWers have) of marking the end of the year with a nice big recap post of everything that's happened during the year. I seem to have a slightly different tradition, looking back on my previous years - I seem to have a different kind of end-of-year post every year, which I guess is kind of fitting - The last few years have left me acutely aware of the changing nature of my life, how everything seem to shift so radically from year to year, and so it seems that every year, I need something different to mark the ending of the years. Last year, for example, I decided to make a change and focus on the directions for the next year - look forwards instead of look back.

This year, though, I really do think I need to look back. There's been a lot of stuff that's happened this year and I can't say that I've really gone and given myself full closure on a lot of it. With such an obvious ending looming in sight, I thought I'd take the opportunity to take stock of those things that have ended for me in this year, to bring it into the light and take the chance to accept these endings before the year clocks over once more.

This year, first of all,marked the ending of my goal of going back to university to continue my studies. Earlier this year I came to the realisation that I was constantly looking at every job I had as just a placeholder - something to run with until I paid off my debts so I could go back to uni. Which would have been fine - except that the goal kept getting further and further away, because I never seemed to be paying my debts off, and this kept making me more and more miserable. This year, I realised what a price this misery was holding on me, and so I stopped waiting, and decided to put my all into the place I had now, the job I had now.

This year, I ended my tenancy with the wonderful people of Clive St and moved in with [personal profile] erinkyan. It's meant a few sacrifices, but I have a wonderful home, with a wonderful couch, it's an ending with a wonderful new beginning.

And then, there are the endings with no beginnings to follow. This year I lost my Uncle Michael, most likely due his body giving out. He was an inspiration in a lot of ways to me, and I miss him dearly. Since then, I've acquired a few things of his - I ended up with his graduation robes, and some of his other university paraphernalia. I still miss him sometimes, there's occaisionally a bit of sadness, but I think my feelings have reached that place of acceptance. Missed, but not grieved over any longer.

He was not the only one to fall this year - A good friend of mine, Steve, also died this year, tragically by his own hand. Since his death I've been trying to accept that death, but of course it's been hard, so hard. In a lot of ways, it's Steve that's been bringing me to this post, a couple of things in the last few days have got me back to thinking about Steve again, and there's clearly still a lot of emotion floating around. I want to bring it up, to think about it again, feel that hurt, confusion, sadness, grief, properly and willingly, so I can leave his ending with the ending of the new year.

Because they're all still there. I still miss him so much, and it hurts to know that I'll never have another conversation with him in person. I still don't think I understand why he did it, but I think I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's not much there to get - or perhaps, that the reason just isn't that important. As much as I want to know, knowing doesn't bring him back. When I think about him I still sometimes break into tears, I've broken into tears a few times writing this post in fact. I guess in a lot of ways I haven't been able to take that feeling of closure from the rituals I've been engaging in, and I know he doesn't have a grave I can visit to go talk to him (although really, you don't have to be at a grave to talk to the dead - you just need to find a way to make the connection). I wish I could find that last end, put it all to rest, but I'm not sure this Ending is going to be that neat.

And so, I open up the post to the floor - please, if you will, if you can spare, join me in taking the endings we've had this year, share them, and maybe we can leave these endings to rest this year, so we can better accept and love the beginnings that will surely sprout next year.

Moving On

Jan. 1st, 2010 07:32 pm
kirby1024: Kirby and Metaknight in a samurai duel (Kirby Duel)
I'm a bit inconsistent when it comes to New Years posts. Sometimes I do it, sometimes I don't, and a lot of the time it's to cap off a not particularly decent year, and hope for a better one the next year. I'm a big believer in hope.

I'm not going to do a big wrap-up post this year. This year has been great one, with both highlights and lowlights, and I feel genuinely pleased with the direction of my life, but I really cannot be bothered dredging up all the highlights and displaying them to everyone.

I do, however, want to put out there the directions I'm planning for my life to go this coming year.

Firstly, I came up with a New Year's resolution, a few minutes before midnight, that struck me as one that I definitely want to work on. This last year I have been feeling rather isolated, as I've been working full-time, and now moved out to the opposite side of the city, but I recognize that I haven't been putting a lot of effort into keeping up with friends either, so I intend to rectify that this year. This year, my New Year's resolution is to get back in touch with those friends I've left behind the last year or so. I plan to work hard at arranging to go out and do shit, and to take friends with me to do things with, rather than waiting for opportune moments to see others. I have a lot of really cool and brilliant friends that I've dropped out of contact with, I think now is the time to get back in touch with people.

Secondly, I plan for a new direction is to get my finances back in order. I plan on aggressively attacking my debt this year, because once I have less debt, I'll have so much more freedom in my life to do the things I want.

Thirdly, I want to keep the good times rolling with my [personal profile] erinkyan. I've grown so much closer to him this year, and, and I plan for this not to change. It's a good, positive thing in my life, and I plan on keeping it that way!

To anyone I may have missed with my scads of texts and messages to all my friends and family - I hope every one of you has a wonderful new year, full of whatever you need and whatever you desire. Let this year be the Year of Awesomeness!
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
Yeah, so I haven't been posting much, probably due to lack of internets at my workstation. So, figured I'd do the obligatory posts...

Christmas was excellent. Final Swag total includes a new Digital Camera (which me and [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial have been playing with a bit!), BSG Season 1 (I got Season 2 Last Christmas, so I've been waiting a while for the first!), The Austin Powers Box Set (I had a craving for it. Don't ask), and various sugary goodies. Also got a car kit for my iPod, but as it turns out, the car kit was not, in fact, for an iPod, but was for another player instead, so I'm waiting for my brother to get that swapped for me. So, really, all good!

[livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial and I ended up going to my parent's place for Christmas Lunch, which was pretty much exactly as I was expecting (which was good food, chance to see family, nice relaxed atmosphere). [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial was a little uncomfortable there, just because he's not generally comfortable around my family for the obvious reason (like, for example, they're his boyfriend's family). Still, we had a good time, had a go on my family's new copy of Buzz (Sports Edition - needless to say that me and Erin didn't do so well).

So, all up, a very good christmas, methinks.

New Years
Our household ended up having a small New Years ([livejournal.com profile] simma14's Party was far better advertised and thus just about everyone went there this year), but I think that was good because I actually enjoyed the small-party atmosphere for a change. Also, we had a couple of people come around that I hadn't seen for ages (Like Hannah and [livejournal.com profile] littlesir, [livejournal.com profile] pfhsblog, etc). So there was lots of nice discussion. It was, however, extremely hot, but I doubt that that's going to change significantly no matter where you went. Bizarrely, I managed to sleep like a baby afterwards - the heat didn't seem to affect my sleep patterns at all (I swear, my bed and I are sleep-bonded - any time I'm on my bed I get to sleep in less than 20 minutes. Well, to be fair, that's the same of just about every bed, but it's even more impressive on mine!)

New Years Day was, thankfully, a touch cooler. Me and [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial ended up hanging at [livejournal.com profile] velitu's place. We ended up bringing up a few issues that [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial had on his mind, which was good because they really needed discussion (mostly about my emotional issues and how they seem to be affecting certain parts of our lives).

As so often seems to happen on New Years, I had a bit of a breakdown, but it's gotta be a good thing in the end - We ended up coming out of it realising that I really need to work on improving my emotional skills, since I don't ever seem to actually feel much these days - I always seem to be one step removed from what I'm feeling. We're already making progress - I actually felt the love I have for [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial for once, which was a little scary. I'm hoping that by the end of the year that becomes a constant thing, not something that Erin has to work on getting me to do.

I'm hoping that this is a good omen, and that this is a sign of good things to come. Happy New year everyone, I hope your New Year exceeds everything you could dream of.


kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)

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