kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
I was going to write a post about the rest of the road trip, but to be honest I'm not feeling it anymore. Instead, my head wants to write something else much more urgently. This is going to be a bit rambly, because there's a lot of thoughts in my head related to the subject. I'll try to order it when I'm done but I can't guarantee that it'll all make sense.

Cut for rape triggers )
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
So, Today I went to my counsellor today. The discussion started with trust issues, and through some divergence managed to reach the circumnstances around me and Lara's breakup. As well as the first few weeks after the rape.

When I got home, I called [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial, and his phone went dead. No problems, move to the computer, talk on Gtalk. Computer dead, network card not responding. After an hour of trying to get the system working, I desperately called his housemate's mobile, and broke down, babbling to him. And then the phone started cutting out, and I completely freaked, because I needed him and everything was stopping me from talking to him.

So, after him calling me back and me babbling that I didn't know whether I wanted him around or not, [livejournal.com profile] not_in_denial picked me up. And I'm at his place now.

That was one hell of a trigger. Goddamn.
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Kirby Fire)
As much as I'm uncertain as to who reads my LJ for what reasons, I feel that I should keep people on my list aware of what's happening in my life, even the stuff that I'm probably still a little uncomfortable talking about. And so, this post catches up on some of the less savoury parts of my life.

Cut for Politeness's sake )
kirby1024: Me with tribal-esque facepaint and alien eyes (Tattoo Animal Eyes)
After handing in my Final Draft of my first essay, It seems that I have a day or so of slack time in my uni work. In general, this might mean that I could take tomorrow off and, well, relax.

Alas, this is probably not going to happen, as I need to work as much as possible while I've still got the work to do. Tomorrow, thus, will probably be a 9 to 5 workday for me. Well, as much as it could ever be, anyway.

And yet...

I dunno. I've been feeling on edge for a while tonight. I'm not sure entirely what's causing it.

I suspect. I suspect I know what's caused it. But I don't want that to be doing this to me. I'm worried that watching CSI tonight about a rape case is affecting me more than I thought it was at the time.

It's...

I dunno. I've read so much literature on reactions to rape, on traumatic events, and this isn't out of place. Hell, it's downright normal. I should not be feeling agitated about feeling agitated!

But I am. I don't want to be feeling this, not at all. I don't want to feel like I'm broken because I can't watch an episode of CSI without feeling horrible for the rest of the night. I want to feel like I'm in control of how my brain is working, even if it's not true (and boy, do I know how not true that is!). I'm more than frustrated at my mind's betrayal - I'm this close to angry at it. How dare my head remind me that I still have this gaping hole in my psyche that I've been happily keeping under wraps for the past month! How dare my head show me that I'm still trying to push myself far more than I should be, all so I can claim I'm still taking care of myself.

More importantly, how dare it pipe up and tell me something, anything is wrong. I don't want anything to be wrong. I want not to be crying right now, ashamed at myself for being hurt right now. I want to be fucking over this.

But I can't. I can't be over this, not for a while.
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
I have perhaps been conspicuous in my silence since my previous, extremely short post, and I suspect that some have speculated as to exactly what happenned on Wednesday at the Police Station. Perhaps my silence has been telling to many of you.

Put bluntly, I had every one of my suspicions confirmed. After telling my story to the SOCAU detective, he indicated that the prognosis for my case was quite grim. Because of the rather... grey nature of the case, It's highly unlikely that the case would reach court. Actually, to be entirely frank, it's not even guaranteed that detectives would even begin an investigation, as it would apparently be quite difficult to determine whether an offence even occured.

To put that last sentence into perspective for people, the question, legally, is not whether the rape did or did not occur, or whether he was there at the time. The question, in my case, is whether he knew that he was doing something wrong. In the story as I recall it, and as I told to the detective, there's a probability that the guy who raped me thought that he had managed to talk to me sufficiently that I was comfortable with the procedings. If that is, in fact, what he thought happenned, then he may not have actually committed an offence. Of course, even if he did know what he did, it's still a he said/he said situation, and I've got no aces up my sleeve to push the scales on to my side.

So, as one might expect, I was not exactly thrilled with this state of affairs. To be honest, I broke down crying when I told my parents about what happenned. My mum ended up coming over to help me through the night. Helped me go through things, helped me make lists, pushed me to go through the hoops of living. Mum, like she often does, pointed out to me that it was natural that I was breaking down at this point, considering the other stressors that are happening in my life. I've still got [livejournal.com profile] fireflyfaery issues. My current job will be ending in the next couple of weeks and I'm going to need to find a new job, and I earn too little (and my parents earn too much) for Centrelink to give me money to live. I've got an essay due next week that I've barely started. And that's just the issues that are appropriate for me to discuss publically. I've got a lot of shit on my plate right about now, and I think I used up a lot of my emotional reserve in the last week or two on this issue in particular.

The question, of course, is where I go from here. It's a good question, actually, one that I may have to spend some time answering. The detective at SOCAU said that it may be useful for me to actually go to CASA and get counselled (because, as much as I know that I probably should, I haven't actually done so yet), and to that end I have an appointment with SECASA for Monday afternoon. The detective at SOCAU indicated to me that if I do feel that I want to continue forth with my case, I need only call. But I think I need to get some help and ask myself what I actually want, and whether I'm strong enough to go through with this to the end if that's what I decide. I'm losing nothing with time; the case will be just as strong in a few months as it is now. If it takes a month or two to figure out what I need, I don't see why I shouldn't give myself that at least.

For tonight, however, I shall sleep. I think I need sleep, because I've been horribly, horribly tired the last few days, perhaps with good reason.

It begins

Sep. 19th, 2006 10:49 pm
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
I called the police tonight.

I have an appointment with the SOCAU tomorrow at 5pm at Oakleigh Police Station.
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
Yesterday, I took a step I'm not entirely sure I was capable of doing. I let the Queer Lounge community know what he did to me.

It's a step. Perhaps not quite as big a step as going to the police about it, but a step at least. I've not exactly been silent about what he did to me, but for the most part, It's not reached the ears of people who actually know him. And now, it has. At least that community can watch for him.

And yet...

I feel like there's a war inside of me. Part of me wants to make him suffer to the fullest extent of the law. To make sure he doesn't get to do to anyone else what he did to me (and apparently almost did to another). Another part... I dunno. Is scared? Wants no more part in it? Is afraid of going to the police and nothing happening? There's a massive block in my head, that's resisting the first urge. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why it's there. What's feeding it. Why I can't pick up the phone and call the police.

And it's really starting to get to me. Because it's not the only mental block in my head that I've been trying to grapple with recently. I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind, and that frustrates me on a deep level. I feel like I should be able to deal with this.
kirby1024: Powerful Kirby Icon (Kirby Spark)
It's funny what you find looking back on your LJ. Considering the trials and tribulations I've been through the past while, it's interesting to see the antecedents of what happenned prior. The post linked to above was written just after New Years, when I had decided to stay with [livejournal.com profile] fireflyfaery rather than break up with her. It was originally set to Private, seeing as I wasn't really sure whether I wanted people to see what was happenning then. Of course, so much has happenned since then, that I've switched it over to Friends-only instead.

It seems odd, to look at me then, and to look at me now, with all the things that have happenned in between. As sucktacular as the last few months have been, I think that I've become someone better for it all. I've discovered a well of courage I didn't know existed, and a flood of friendship I'm not entirely sure I was expecting. I've had so much help from those around me, and I've found that with that help, I've learned to be stronger in myself. I'm discovering that I'm capable of so much more than I thought I was ever capable of doing.

For the first time in a while, I think I'm feeling confident about my future. There are still things that need addressing, it's not like I'm over the events of the last few months, and I'm still not sure how these things will play out by the end. But I think I have the strength to deal with these things, however they end up manifesting.

And knowing that makes so much of a difference.
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
After more than a few days of putting it off, I finally called SECASA today.

It's funny, really. I had the courage to tell my parents, to tell my friends, to throw the whole affair onto LJ, but talking to SECASA was so difficult I managed to put it off for several days. It's funny, how the mind works. The call went well, certainly better than the first call. I'm not sure how much assistance I'm going to end up taking from SECASA, but I've been realising that these aren't decisions I have to make now. When I talk to my regular counsellor next Thursday (thankfully she managed to find a time), I think after that I can think about making a decision.

As a side note, I want to thank everyone for their support, you honestly can't imagine how much I've needed it about now.
kirby1024: Kirbinator Icon (half-my face, half-terminator face) (Default)
I've been dickering about this post for the last half an hour, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure I wanted to post this. Posting on livejournal feels... I dunno, cheap on a lot of levels. But I think I need to. I think I need people to know.

On Saturday night, I was date-raped.

What happenned that night )

what I'm feeling right now )

So, in short, things are a touch difficult for me right now, to understate things. I may be... a little off in the next few days.

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January 2011

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