So, The last week has, unsurprisingly, been quite massive:Moving
Sunday was moving day, a surprisingly larger venture than the previous move. Apparently two years of being in one place added much more stuff into my life. So, my parents, littlesir
and Hannah spent much of the afternoon packing all my stuff into boxes and bags and driving them to my new place. The morning was spent with me helping the Man with a Van move all my big stuff and picking up my new fridge (so I have most of the essentials at my place now. I merely lack furniture...)
So, now I has a new place! It's very exciting. Sickness
Of course, I was moving while I had a cold, and all the exertions gave me one hell of a fever on sunday night. So, I've not been at work today or yesterday to recuperate. Hopefully, I'll be back to working state my tomorrow. This is, BTW, why I haven't around online much - my internet will still take a week or so to be activated in my house...A Strange Sort of Self-Discovery
On Wednesday me and not_in_denial
had big discussions, which have made me think a lot about stuff. See, when me and not_in_denial
first got together, the first thing we did was point out the bits about ourselves that we thought were most likely to cause problems. For me, it was that I didn't really know who I was. At the time this just went in a whole bunch of directions - that I'd broken up with Lara, broken up with Ryan, started looking at polyamory, was still sorting myself out after the rape... Basically, it was a chaotic time in my life and I didn't know where I was going.
So, a year later, and I have come to a stunning realisation that not much has really changed. I still don't know who I am. I've worked through a lot of stuff, but I haven't come close to actually dealing with stuff enough to let go of it, and I still have issues with simple things like, you know, what I actually want. Not just the "what I want now", but "where I'm going, what I want out of life". And that's making things difficult - because knowing what I want is kinda important if I want to know, say, where I want my relationships to end up. I can't just keep taking things a day at a time, because that's not fair to partners present or future.
Now, of course, I have realised this stuff. And I realise why it's important. And now that I know the what and the why, I might be able to start learning who I am and what I want. Because I don't think that before I was ever really interested in finding out. But I think that now, I have a shot. I'm realising that I can't get away from myself anymore.