The Journal of Lee Davis-Thalbourne

CLEEEEAAANNN!!!!

2011-01-31T08:07:17Z

So, for the next few days, erinkyan is out of the state, caring for a friend, and so I've been home alone. After discovering that despite my cool new computer case having better fans, it's still not good enough to really play, say, Starcraft all day without the Graphics card moving past 95C on a day like this.

So... I realised that erinkyan had often lamented that his room is constantly messy and full of crap. After a quick call to make sure it was alright, I decided to actually get his room into gear.

I have since unpacked 2 boxes, consolidated a whole bunch of CDs into a single box, organised his bedside drawers, moved a whole bunch of wooden slats out into the garage, unpacked and hung a whole lot of clothes, moved a bunch of sheets and blankets into the linen closet, found several missing remotes, found one of my pairs of missing glasses (of which I'm still not actually sure how they migrated into one of erinkyan's bags), found out where all the tweezers had gone to, cleaned up a whole lot of rubbish, changed the sheets, applied several extension leads to provide power to the TV and DVD players of which I'd now found the remotes for, collated all his arts supplies, moved a whole lot of disused boxes into the top storage section of his wardrobe, vacuumed the floor and made sure all his rope was properly wrapped up and put away.

It was totally awesome. So, how clean is my room?

Well, if I have to be totally frank, I haven't really started on my room yet...

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Endings.

2010-12-27T16:19:47Z

And so, this journal reaches the end of another year, safe and sound. I used to have a tradition (as so many LJers and DWers have) of marking the end of the year with a nice big recap post of everything that's happened during the year. I seem to have a slightly different tradition, looking back on my previous years - I seem to have a different kind of end-of-year post every year, which I guess is kind of fitting - The last few years have left me acutely aware of the changing nature of my life, how everything seem to shift so radically from year to year, and so it seems that every year, I need something different to mark the ending of the years. Last year, for example, I decided to make a change and focus on the directions for the next year - look forwards instead of look back.

This year, though, I really do think I need to look back. There's been a lot of stuff that's happened this year and I can't say that I've really gone and given myself full closure on a lot of it. With such an obvious ending looming in sight, I thought I'd take the opportunity to take stock of those things that have ended for me in this year, to bring it into the light and take the chance to accept these endings before the year clocks over once more.

This year, first of all,marked the ending of my goal of going back to university to continue my studies. Earlier this year I came to the realisation that I was constantly looking at every job I had as just a placeholder - something to run with until I paid off my debts so I could go back to uni. Which would have been fine - except that the goal kept getting further and further away, because I never seemed to be paying my debts off, and this kept making me more and more miserable. This year, I realised what a price this misery was holding on me, and so I stopped waiting, and decided to put my all into the place I had now, the job I had now.

This year, I ended my tenancy with the wonderful people of Clive St and moved in with erinkyan. It's meant a few sacrifices, but I have a wonderful home, with a wonderful couch, it's an ending with a wonderful new beginning.

And then, there are the endings with no beginnings to follow. This year I lost my Uncle Michael, most likely due his body giving out. He was an inspiration in a lot of ways to me, and I miss him dearly. Since then, I've acquired a few things of his - I ended up with his graduation robes, and some of his other university paraphernalia. I still miss him sometimes, there's occaisionally a bit of sadness, but I think my feelings have reached that place of acceptance. Missed, but not grieved over any longer.

He was not the only one to fall this year - A good friend of mine, Steve, also died this year, tragically by his own hand. Since his death I've been trying to accept that death, but of course it's been hard, so hard. In a lot of ways, it's Steve that's been bringing me to this post, a couple of things in the last few days have got me back to thinking about Steve again, and there's clearly still a lot of emotion floating around. I want to bring it up, to think about it again, feel that hurt, confusion, sadness, grief, properly and willingly, so I can leave his ending with the ending of the new year.

Because they're all still there. I still miss him so much, and it hurts to know that I'll never have another conversation with him in person. I still don't think I understand why he did it, but I think I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's not much there to get - or perhaps, that the reason just isn't that important. As much as I want to know, knowing doesn't bring him back. When I think about him I still sometimes break into tears, I've broken into tears a few times writing this post in fact. I guess in a lot of ways I haven't been able to take that feeling of closure from the rituals I've been engaging in, and I know he doesn't have a grave I can visit to go talk to him (although really, you don't have to be at a grave to talk to the dead - you just need to find a way to make the connection). I wish I could find that last end, put it all to rest, but I'm not sure this Ending is going to be that neat.

And so, I open up the post to the floor - please, if you will, if you can spare, join me in taking the endings we've had this year, share them, and maybe we can leave these endings to rest this year, so we can better accept and love the beginnings that will surely sprout next year.

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Random Stuff for Free!

2010-12-06T11:13:59Z

So, in a sudden realisation that we have far too much stuff in our garage, I've realised that it's time to get rid of stuff, and I'm going to happily offer my friends first dibs!

So, what's on offer?

( Heaters! )

( Toys! )

( Bowling Ball! )

( Car Cover! )

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The Best Mistake in the World...

2010-11-11T01:54:52Z

You may have already seen the news on Erin's LJ, but in case you didn't know - There was a major mistake with the suit we ordered for Erin's birthday, but it's turned out to be a genuinely brilliant mistake for us:

Click here to get the full information, but simply - we're getting two suits for the price of one! Awesome!

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Crazy Couple of Weeks

2010-10-10T11:55:54Z

Oh man, has it been crazy.

So, in the last few weeks:

1) I've moved to a new, extremely shiny place
2) It looks like I'm getting promoted at work - They're planning to move me to the Premier call centre (Where they deal with important customers). Took a while, but I'm looking forward to it :)
3) I went to my cousin Paula's wedding, which was a beautiful affair.
4) Been absurdly busy getting house in order. No matter how many times you move, it still takes forever to get the house the way you want it!
5) Put a deposit down on a brand new couch. It is comfy and so incredibly soft, and has cup holders and storage space, and it shall be mine!
6) Spent a long and terrible two weeks with only mobile internet. For probably the first time ever, I have actually gone through my entire mobile pack this month and then some!

I am certain that there have been other noteworthy things, but I am le tired, so I honestly cannot remember them all.

So, hi! I'm alive!

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The Big Reveal!

2010-09-19T05:23:42Z

And after months of secrecy, of so much organisation, it all paid off spectacularly last night at Erin's Birthday Dinner, where I got to tell Erin exactly what we got for him:

It's the moments like these which make it all worthwhile!

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We. Has. A HOUSE!!!

2010-09-08T22:55:18Z

So, me and Erin have been househunting for a good month or so. There's been a lot of houses seen, a lot of Real Estate Agents strangely really liking the two of us, but still not being able to convert to actual places, which has been a little frustrating.

But, that's come to an end. Yesterday, we got approved for a house. And it's not just any house. It's a modern, beautiful house. A house with a garage with inside access, a house with air-con and heating, a house with a huge dining/living/kitchen area... It's the kind of house you look at and go "Man, this house is way too awesome for us to be able to get it".

And we got it. Oh sure, we had to match someone else's upbid on the rent. But this place? Totally worth it. And today, I go to the bank to buy the bank cheque for the bond, and get the money for first month's rent. We sign the leases, get everything out the way, and it's ours. For the next 12 months at least. But I'm so totally cool with that. The best part? It's about 5 minutes away from my current place. Still in Zone 1. Still accessible with the same bus even!

It's going to be an awesome house, and I cannot wait to get the stress of moving out the way so we can actually enjoy the house.

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An odd question relating to the election

2010-08-22T11:27:54Z

I know I have a few people with political experience in my circles, and while I was watching the Election coverage last night, a question came to me.

How, exactly does the vote counting work?

Specifically, I'm wondering, do all the votes get taken to a central facility, or are they counted at the polling booth? I keep hearing of booths being counted pretty much at end of polling, and it seems to me that, especially in the rural electorate, it would have to take a fairly significant amount of time for the voting papers to get couriered to the tally room. If they're all being sent to a central counting room, the rural polling booths (especially in seats like Katherine, where there must be a huge number of very isolated polling stations) would barely get to the counting room before end of the election coverage.

And yet, we get counts for them on the night. So... How do the logistics of vote counting work?

In terms of actual reaction to the results? As much as I absolutely loathe the idea of Abbott in power, I suspect that even if he is in power, the Greens in the senate (and the House of Reps! Yay! Congrats all round to Adam Bandt!) will probably cause all manner of consternation for him. Even if he becomes PM, this is not a win for him, and the next few years are likely to be a horribly frustrating experience for him. I don't think it's quite time to start booking flights out of Australia just yet.

If Gillard wins she's likely to have a much better time of it, and I suspect that also, we're much more likely to get an ETS and Gay Marriage out of Labor with the Greens holding balance of power.

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To the Arcade!

2010-08-08T13:20:07Z

I like arcades.

Consider it a throwback to my youth if you like. But I've come to embrace my happiness at arcades full of flashing lights, dodgy prizes and loud buzzers of success. There are a few reasons I like the arcades, the first major one being that I never go to an arcade alone. There is something about the arcade which screams group activity. It's just so much more fun to go with a friend, or with a group, and enjoy the atmosphere, and watch your friends play games, and then let your friends watch you.

This was never so well-demonstrated as last night, when me and radicalyffe decided to spend a night out at the arcades. Even more fun was that radicalyffe had never gone to an arcade before, so you had the extra fun of being able to introduce a friend to the classic arcade games of your youth, and the fun of collecting tickets for one of the prizes that are actually worth something.

You know, I really should plan a big group outing to the arcade. Get everyone to plan for $20-30 of spending and just go nuts for an afternoon. That sounds like that would be fantastic fun!

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Aussie Democrazy!

2010-07-30T02:41:59Z

So, I follow Mike Stuchbery on twitter, and he's been trying to help his civics students get into politics a little bit more, get engaged in the process. In particular, he's set up a blog for his students called Aussie Democrazy, as well as setting up a Twitter and Facebook. Now, I know that a few of you are happily into politics, and I'm sure a few of you would be happy to help a few kids get engaged with politics, so here's your chance! In particular, they're asking a few public questions to give the kids some insight into why we find politics so interesting. Also, they're trying to convince a few politicians and political journalists to do some interviews with the Democrazy kids.

Honestly, it's a fantastic idea. We keep despairing at how people aren't engaged with politics anymore, that we don't have people who really care about the process. Well, here's someone who's doing something about it! Using the power of social media to help students find a reason to be passionate about politics. I would have loved something like this at my school. I definitely recommend people have a look at their work, it's fantastic!

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I think I've been using it wrong, but I don't care.

2010-07-26T03:48:53Z

I have often heard the saying "Do not go gentle into that good night", and until now I have never actually looked up the original poem. I have often interpreted this line (without knowing the context) as a statement of legacy - To not go gentle into that good night is for one's death to be remembered, for the things a person has done to live on beyond their death. I've often used it explicitly in reference to death where the internet is concerned - death is often reflected online as just an extended silence, no questions asked, just a general sense of "I wonder what happened to that guy?". It is very easy to go gentle into the good night of the internet.

After reading up on Dylan Thomas' poem, I've had it entirely wrong. Dylan's line is an exhortation (to his father in particular) to not accept old age, and to rage against his frailties, become again the militant man he was. While it has much to do with death, it has nothing to do with legacy - it's an exhortation to live life as though you're still young.

But you know what? I think even knowing what the poem was originally about, I like my interpretation of the line. Certainly, it's a whole lot more relevant to me than the original. But just the same, I think I'll not go gentle into that good night either way, as much as I can.

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Speaking for the Dead.

2010-07-23T12:27:03Z

I have often felt that certain people in my various social groups are "natural connectors" - they're people who seem to have their fingers in so many pies that you'll often meet random strangers who know them, even though they come from completely different social groups. It's always a bit weird when it happens.

Today I had an interesting experience on the other side.

I've made several posts about Steve's death, and I made the decision to make them public, partially because I wanted to grieve publicly, and partially because I knew that a lot of people who knew Steve read my posts, but might not be on my Friends list, and I wanted Steve's friends to know. I did the same thing with my Uncle Michael - I wanted my family to be able to read what I'd written about him, so being public with my grief was important. With my Uncle, it turned out that a few people found my LJ, and left messages (and a couple of people commented about it at the funeral). Thanks to those, I learned a lot more about my Uncle.

Today a random person friended me on GTalk. It was someone from a forum that Steve used to frequent. He'd been a constant internet friend of Steve, and he'd noticed that Steve hadn't talked much for the last month. He'd started doing some research with what little he knew about Steve, and eventually found my posts on Steven, and then, of course, sent me a chat message. We ended up talking about him for a good hour, and honestly? It was good to confirm a lot of stuff about Steve with someone who'd known him for at least as long as I had, even if they'd never met him in the flesh. That someone outside of his physical presence had worried about Steve enough to hunt down and find out what happened. That he had enough of an impact on the places he hung out that he did not go gently into that good night.

And then, Steve's friend posted to the forum that he frequented about Steve's suicide (You need an account on the forum to view the page). In less than half a day, that thread is already at 4 pages long, of people who knew his posts, of those who never met him, of those who played against him in the online world. All these people who knew Steve, who I certainly never knew about. All those people who you always worry will never get to know. Now they knew, and more than a few people were crying at the news.

I'm still not over Steve's death, and I know there's still a lot of processing that needs to go on, but for the first time in a while I honestly feel hopeful about Steve's death. In life alone, he has touched people all around the world, not just those in his hometown.

And it has shown me that the path I tread, the attempt to keep as much of my life and emotions in the public sphere as I can, to publicly process all the crap and shit that's happened in the past while? It's helping people. As strange as it is to be the connector now, I'm glad to be there. I'm out there enough that I can be a beacon for people.

It's worth it, all of it.

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Driving a van!

2010-07-12T00:37:39Z

I've been helping Erin out this weekend with a few of our friends with moving his stuff over to Clive st, and part of that has been ticking an additional thing off the list of things I haven't done yet.

And that is drive a van.

At first it was a little terrifying, since it's a Rent-a-Bomb van, and feels really rickety, but I'm starting to really enjoy the experience. Travelling up high, in something huge, with the big-arse steering wheel... I can see why people like driving higher-up, it's a totally different experience. The only problem with this van is that it's so very, very uncomfortable, since my legs are a little too long for the seat.

Honestly, I'll be kinda sad to give it back...

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A most beautiful wedding

2010-06-28T02:38:34Z

Last night I went to the wedding of two very good friends of mine being_bec and laza_burnz. Words, really, feel inadequate to express how wonderful and beautiful the wedding was.

I could go on with a blow-by-blow of the wedding, telling people exactly what happened, but honestly, the details weren't relevant (although I will say that I found the heavy focus on tolerance and love during the ceremony itself absolutely wonderful). But throughout the entire wedding, from start to finish, you could feel the love and wonder. From the celebrant honestly enjoying every step of the ritual, the merging of Jewish and Christian traditions (and the explanation of the symbology behind everything), to the look of absolutely joy on the faces of the bride and groom... I felt on the verge of tears throughout a goodly amount of that wedding night.

It was a wonderful salve for the soul. With me having been so emotional all week, I guess it was inevitable that I'd feel so much more at this wedding, but I'm honestly glad I did. There was just a magic in the air. "I'll stand by you" as the first song, the wonderfully silly but honestly touching story being_bec's father told of the Magic Pancake Maker from Bec's childhood knowing he wasn't needed anymore because she had found someone who would take care of her as she needed for her life, the absolutely wonderful venue at Overnewton Castle... Every part of the wedding just shone in it's own way.

I'm going to end this post with one last note - I wish being_bec and laza_burnz the best of luck in their marriage, although I'm not sure they'll ever need it. I would also, just because I'm feeling that sooky, would like the wish the same once more for all the marriages that I have attended in the past years. To Daniel and Rhiannon Heath, Hannah and Miles Langmead, Jenni and David Allen, Melanie and Matthew Weatherson, Aaron and Emma Braegen, not to mention all those couples who have married that I haven't mentioned here, I wish each and every one of you everything you want and need in your marriage and in your lives. I love each and every one of you, and hope your love lives within you for as long as you so desire.

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Still not over it.

2010-06-24T04:37:33Z

As I have mentioned previously, here and elsewhere, my brain has this thing it does. When I'm upset, or I don't want to deal with something, or I'm generally feeling negative, my brain runs away. It has learned that it can stop feeling bad by making me do things, by keeping my mind occupied. My brain also discovered this really fun trick at work, in that when I project happiness on a call, I am happy, for all intents and purposes, at least on that call.

In short, it's part of a very long history I have of not facing up to emotions, especially the negative set. This, ladies, gentlemen, and others not of the previous two persuasions, is not a healthy thing.

So, since Steve's death, I haven't really been actually dealing with it. There have been points where I let some of the emotion out, but dealing with it? No, not really. So, a couple of days ago, I was talking to one of my workmates about it, and the undealt-with issues decided to tell me in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going to just be able to ignore it.

Last night I went over to erinkyan's place to drop off a couple of things, and it came to a head - Erin asked the dreaded question "Are you okay?", and I finally admitted that not, I wasn't, not really, not even at all. I cried for an hour, as erinkyan tried to push me to talk about the pain, the sadness, the anger. All those bubbling emotions trapped in my head that my job simply doesn't let me release.

Let me say, by the way, I have never been more happy to have erinkyan as my boyfriend than last night, when he asked me to go through a visualisation with him, to help me actually experience all the pain and emotions, before pushing them all out. It helped so much to have a place where I could safely feel those emotions.

Today, I have also chatted to someone on Lifeline, and after I finish this post, I am going to go see erinkyan before his date. But before that, I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to make a big, poignant post about Steve, the same way I did for my Uncle. I couldn't do it then, because I still didn't have the whole impact of emotions. But I think I can try now.

My strongest memories of Steve were from our time together in the SVGA. He first started as our Librarian, at a time where we really didn't have a particularly decent library, so he ended up sorta being a member without portfolio. And a member without a portfolio, you find, tends to get stuck with a lot of odd jobs. Steve I recall helped make the SVGA's logo (seen here, he helped in (my time's) everpresent attempts to purchase a television for the club, so that I wouldn't have to lug televisions around. Once I moved out of home, I remember being so grateful that he was willing to drive me and my televisions home.

I remember Steven getting drunk at uni camps, and remembering that he never really seemed to get much louder, although he was always a very happy, very silly drunk. At parties he'd get right into conversation, about games and geeky things. You could tell that he was an intensely bright man, tempered perhaps only by shyness, by his own quietness, but explain something to him, and you very rarely had to explain it twice, and that was something I respected about Steve a lot.

But when I look back on the time I spent with Steve, I find that I remember a lot about the events, a lot about what he did, but not a lot about Steve, the person. At the funeral, they mentioned he was an intensely private and quiet individual, and I can't say I disagree terribly about that. As much as he was a constant presence in Korner, as much as he was a mainstay in the SVGA, I didn't get to see a lot of him, in particular. I know that he often had a wicked sense of humour, as the quiet people often do. That, like me, he could latch onto a joke and run with it. I remember more than anything that he always seemed to have a good heart, was always happy to participate, always happy to help out. He was always there.

And now, he isn't. Now he is gone, by his own hand. His mother made a request at the funeral, that we respect his choice to end his own life, to be willing to let go. I want to be able to respect that choice, and I think I'm closer that now than I was since my last post. I will miss him, a lot, I will miss having such a good person in my life. I'm not sure how he saw us, but right now, I would proudly say that he was, and shall always be, my friend. Had he asked for anything, I would have done my best to make it happen. When I visited him in hospital, I told him that, should he ever need to talk, about anything, he could call me, and I would listen, and I would have. I wish we were closer, but I guess there's no sense in wishes like that now.

I miss you so much, Steve. I hope you know how much you were loved by your friends, I hope you know that people had to stand at your funeral, so many people came to pay their respects to you. I wish the turmoil in your life could have been resolved by those around you, but clearly this was not to be. I hope that, if you are anywhere, that you are finally at peace. Thank you for being part of my life, however brief it must be. I don't think I can let go of you yet, but I will try and move on. Farewell, Steven Williams.

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For those planning to attend...

2010-06-10T13:24:13Z

From today's paper:

WILLIAMS. - The Funeral Service for Steven James Williams, of Menzies Creek, will be held at Lilydale Memorial Park, 126 - 128 Victoria Road, Lilydale (Melways ref: 280 D11) on WEDNESDAY (June 16) at 11.00 a.m.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to World Vision (Ethiopia, supporter no. 3138336). Envelopes will be available at the Service.

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Vale Steven Williams (Mar. 17, 1986 - June 4, 2010)

2010-06-07T05:02:15Z

This morning I listened to a voice message from my friend David Allen. Apparently he'd been trying to get in touch with me for a couple of days because he had some really important information that he wanted to give me in person. My friend, Steven Williams, killed himself a couple of days prior. David told me that his mother had asked that I be told, mainly because I visited him in hospital after his previous attempt.

More than anything else? I'm angry at the world right now. I'm angry that a good friend of mine, a friend that I had always enjoyed the company of, and of whom I had good memories of, is now gone, forever. I'm angry that, whatever help he was getting, what supports he'd gotten in place since the last attempt, clearly hadn't helped. I'm angry that I'd thought he was recovering, when he hadn't. I'm angry more than anything else because yet again the world has taken someone I loved away from me, and it's so fucking unfair.

I want to sit down and remember the good times. I want to do that poignant post where I sit down and remember all the good memories and impressions I had of the man, but right now I can't get past the fact that I'm going have to attend my second funeral in as many months, that I liked Steven and that he was one of my favourite people in Korner and now he's gone, that I will never know why he's gone, if there was anything that triggered it, if there was anything I could have done if I'd have known at all, and it's all just goddamn fucking unfair.

To be fair, I've only known about this for about 4 hours. I'm still working through my feelings about this. I feel a bit useless because I'm coming to this late, and still don't actually have all the details. I plan to call people later on tonight, so I can get more details, find out what's going on, if the funeral has been planned, etc.

For the time-being there's not a lot I can do except try and work through the grief, and that's what this post is kinda for, I guess.

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I may have a problem...

2010-05-24T05:44:43Z

I think I may be addicted to Yahoo! Answers. I can't help it! All those people just asking for my advice! And an entire section on GLBT! It's like people are just asking me to answer their questions! (even though the vast majority of question essentially boil down to "Am I gay for doing this?")

Everytime I think I've walked away, I come back, months later, and the cycle continues. It helps that I get a lot of "Best Answers", because it means people think I'm smart! And I never have to bug other people by answering things that they never really asked, but I know they asked, really!

Okay, so I may be stretching the addiction metaphor a little here. But it's a disturbing amount of fun faffing around on Yahoo! Answers, basically answering all questions there with "No, that doesn't make you gay", and "you know, liking boys and liking girls aren't mutually exclusive...". It's kinda relaxing, actually...

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Vale Dr. Michael Thalbourne (March 24th 1955 - May 4th 2010)

2010-05-05T12:34:39Z

Last night, my Dad gave me news that I was not really expecting - I was told that my Uncle Michael had been found in his apartment, close to death. He told me that they had revived him, and that he was in intensive care, but he had almost died several times that day, and it didn't look like he was going to wake up, even if they kept him alive. In short, Dad said, it wasn't looking good for him to survive for very much longer.

And this morning, my Mum called me up to let me know that Michael had died during the night.

Today I have been giving myself a day to actually try and process my feelings towards my Uncle Michael, since I know that if I don't do it soon, it's likely to cause problems down the track. I have this trick, that I'm so very good at dodging my mind that I can just not think about issues in my life. But I know that's unhealthy, and I want to talk about this. So, I write this, my tribute to my Uncle Michael and Me.

I've often called my Uncle Michael my "crazy uncle", and I use the term with all the affection in the world. He was a role model of sorts to me in my youth, an academic in academia, incredibly intelligent and well spoken. He was a parapsychologist, one of the few operating in Australia. For most of my memory of him, he was even getting paid as a Visiting Fellow at the University of Adelaide. When I was in high school and when I was in university, I would always keep track of his latest academic developments. In a way, I was something of a fan of his work, and every now and then, he would send me articles that he thought I might find interesting.

My memories of interactions with my uncle are mostly from when I was younger. Early in his career, my Uncle was a Latin scholar, and I recall when I was quite young, my Uncle would try and teach me bits of Latin. At the time, my love of languages had not quite evolved, and I never paid terribly much attention. That said, I still tried my hardest - he was my uncle, and I loved him dearly. I remember a lot of discussions with him on various topics, although my being younger typically meant I was the one learning from him.

Although he was an incredibly intelligent person, that came with it's own side-effects. My parents saw a lot of my uncle in me, including a not terribly brilliant set of social skills. I had a tendency of looking down my nose at people when I talked to people, and didn't realise as a kid that it showed as a sense of superiority. I'm glad for those warnings, I think my ability to interact with people is much better now.

I remember often talking to my friends about my uncle. What my uncle did was incredibly interesting, and was always something we could discuss. There was one conversation in Korner, between me and shemjaza, about how, if I'd been around in the 1920s, I'd so be a Pulp action character, with my famous Uncle into weird phenomena, me the linguist in training, and him being funded by the Bial Foundation, which sounded so very much like some shadowy organisation for good. I'd be swept away from my university lifestyle to accompany my uncle on daring adventures!

My feelings about my Uncle's death are... mixed, as you'd expect after just a day of being told. Above all, I miss him so. I haven't seen a great deal of him in the past couple of years, but the fact that he was around was always in my head. A relative that I had so much time and interaction with, someone who has been around my entire life is gone, and I think I'm still trying to adjust my view to that. I feel so terribly sad for him, and for my Grandpa and Grandma, who now have the task of burying their son, something which I can only imagine the pain and sorrow of. I worry about my uncles and my Dad, all of whom have lost a brother.

And I think of all the interactions that were yet to come, that I thought I had all the time in the world to go through. He had just recently joined Facebook, and I never got to see how he would use it. I wanted so badly for him to meet erinkyan, who also wanted to see him so very much. I wanted to see him one last time, although maybe that one is just because I feel robbed of an opportunity to say goodbye to him. Of all the things that I'm writing here, that's the feeling that makes me cry - the last time I said goodbye to him was two years ago. I'm such a different person now than I was two years ago, that I feel that he's lost the chance to see me as I am now. I think he would be proud, at the very least happy, to see the kind of person I have become, and I hate that I no longer have the opportunity to show him that.

Rest in Peace, Uncle Michael, You have lived a great life, with a family that loved you, so much, and you are missed, so very, very much.

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Big Birthday Night Out!

2010-04-11T00:53:20Z

So, last night I went out with friends and family for a big birthday celebration in the city. After I'd finished work, I drove over to the other side off the city to have dinner at Yak bar. It's a very funky little bar/restaurant with some awesome food, and it was wonderful to be see everyone and have some time to catch up. I especially recommend the Tapas menu, the halloumi and the chorizo especially are top-notch! For Desert, we had erinkyan's delicious, delicious cupcakes, and yes, they were seriously awesome.

After that, we went and met up with the rest of the night's party (16 of us in all! Never have I had in my hand so many tickets!) and saw Tripod vs The Dragon at the Forum. Firstly, I echo the sentiments of a couple of other people - It was fantastic to actually be able to go inside the Forum and look around the place. I've been past the place so many times, I'd always been curious as to the inside of the place, and it's a beautiful venue. Secondly, I loved the show, the gags were wonderful and insightful, the use of the overhead projector was really, really fun, and frankly, most of the way through the show I was thinking "You know, I've been in roleplaying games like this. Except this one is really fun to watch!"

About the only thing in the show that let it down a little was the songs - I was bored through a few of them, and I don't think many of the songs were up to Tripod's usual humorous fare. I do not, however, lump Elana Stone's songs into that assessment, because even though they were typically serious songs, I don't think you could be bored when Elana Stone sings. She is fucking awesome. Also, she looks for all the world like happypea. Seriously. Especially in that red dress. I ended up going to the merch stand and grabbing me the CDs, because I think I found new awesome music here.

Despite that, I strongly recommend the show to everyone - geek or otherwise, as the show is extremely accessible, and then gets better if you've ever roleplayed with dice. Also, I recommend viewing their Official webpage at the moment, mostly because they've D&D-ified the place and it's kinda fun to catch all the jokes in there!

After that, a group of us headed down to 1806 on Exhibition st, and I think most people know that it's one of my favourite cocktail bars in the city, with the best menu I've ever seen. We got to sit and chat, and I enjoyed a very delicious Mitch Martini, while the rest of the group enjoyed their own delicious cocktails. All up, it was a wonderful night, and I'd like to thank everyone who turned up for whatever part of it they turned up for, It's definitely the best birthday celebration I've had for quite some time!

In other news, it's my actual birthday today. 26 years of consecutive life! Hooray!

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Filing Hurts

2010-01-18T08:03:37Z

Thanks to a change in my work schedule, I now have Mondays off, which is fantastic because I have been sick since Thursday, and I get extra time off without sacrificing money. After driving home this morning from erinkyan's place, I thought that a good idea would be to actually start all that filing that I've not really got around to since I moved in, so I could declutter a bit.

This is a bit rambly.

I'd forgotten how much stuff I keep randomly locked away in my filing box. Encountered quite a few surprises, both good and bad. I found all my old SECASA stuff (which I'm keeping - who knows when that's going to be useful again), and I found old momentos from years past (one of which was a letter that erinkyan wrote for me while he was sitting in a cafe). And paper. So very many pieces of paper, a lot I need to keep, but a lot I ended up throwing out. It's actually kinda empowering - there's about half a moving box full of paper that I kept for one reason or another but I no longer need at all.

A long time ago, I made a conscious decision not to live in the past. I'm not the kind of person that keeps a lot of physical artifacts of history - the clutter that they create never seems worth the memories. I wonder if part of it is because my past hurts a lot. There's a lot of terrible things that have happened, and I've done a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of at all, and I guess that the safest thing I can do is isolate myself a little from it. Move forward, don't dwell on what I was, and instead aspire to be someone better.

But my past still has sway in who I am, I can't actually run away from it entirely. Going through my history, even if it's in old receipts, bits and pieces of con games I've run, letters from lovers and tickets to events, just made me go through a whole bunch of that history, and I'm feeling a little fragile from it right now. I'm glad I did it, if only because it gave me a chance to organise it a little better, so maybe next time I won't end up shocking myself with old memories when I need to find an old bank statement.

But it hurts. I can't wait for the day when the traumas become distant enough that I can look back on them safely, because apparently it hasn't come yet.

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Moving On

2010-01-01T08:32:18Z

I'm a bit inconsistent when it comes to New Years posts. Sometimes I do it, sometimes I don't, and a lot of the time it's to cap off a not particularly decent year, and hope for a better one the next year. I'm a big believer in hope.

I'm not going to do a big wrap-up post this year. This year has been great one, with both highlights and lowlights, and I feel genuinely pleased with the direction of my life, but I really cannot be bothered dredging up all the highlights and displaying them to everyone.

I do, however, want to put out there the directions I'm planning for my life to go this coming year.

Firstly, I came up with a New Year's resolution, a few minutes before midnight, that struck me as one that I definitely want to work on. This last year I have been feeling rather isolated, as I've been working full-time, and now moved out to the opposite side of the city, but I recognize that I haven't been putting a lot of effort into keeping up with friends either, so I intend to rectify that this year. This year, my New Year's resolution is to get back in touch with those friends I've left behind the last year or so. I plan to work hard at arranging to go out and do shit, and to take friends with me to do things with, rather than waiting for opportune moments to see others. I have a lot of really cool and brilliant friends that I've dropped out of contact with, I think now is the time to get back in touch with people.

Secondly, I plan for a new direction is to get my finances back in order. I plan on aggressively attacking my debt this year, because once I have less debt, I'll have so much more freedom in my life to do the things I want.

Thirdly, I want to keep the good times rolling with my erinkyan. I've grown so much closer to him this year, and, and I plan for this not to change. It's a good, positive thing in my life, and I plan on keeping it that way!

To anyone I may have missed with my scads of texts and messages to all my friends and family - I hope every one of you has a wonderful new year, full of whatever you need and whatever you desire. Let this year be the Year of Awesomeness!

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Woo! Meme!

2009-12-30T21:17:32Z

Been ages since I did one of these! Found from a couple of people in my lists:

If you had me alone, locked up in your house for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you have me do?

All comments will be permanently screened because it's a secret. Then, repost this in your LJ/DW. You might be surprised with the responses you get.

If you're reading this from one of my syndicated sources (like Facebook), make sure you click through to comment - otherwise your secret will be out! If you're reading this from LJ, go ahead and comment - it's fine on LJ

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Happiness - it's just a decision away!

2009-12-13T00:57:50Z

So, the last couple of posts have been me discussing how I don't really want to go back to uni, and how I'm really loving my job right now.

I am now firmly convinced that these events are related, although possibly at one remove.

See, for the last year or two, I've been working hard at reducing my debt, and the reason I've been working hard at this is because I had plans to go back to uni, and to do so I'd have to accept a drop in income, which I can't support at my level of debt. For the last year or two, I've also been generally unhappy with life. That goal always seemed to be creeping ever further away, as I started getting more and more debt. This got even worse when I lost my job earlier in the year - all that money, that I could put towards debt, but it all went away as I had to support myself without a job.

But, a few weeks ago, I went and took a look at that goal, of going to university, and I made a decision - that I was no longer going to pursue that goal.

That decision had a whole bunch of knock-on effects.

Firstly, The nature of my new job changed. I took the job, not because I was really interested in working for a bank, but because I knew I could do the job, and it'd help me pay off my debt. The job, in short, was purely a means to an end, one that wasn't really in sight. How could I like a job when I framed it like that? But when I dropped the uni goal, I stopped thinking about the job as a means to an end, and started looking at the job as the end itself. If I wasn't going to uni, what did this job mean? As I worked on the phones, it dawned on me that actually, one thing I really did love was helping people. And that's what this job really helped me do. On nearly every call I took, I could make an actual difference to that person's life, even if it was just a statement of a balance, or just answering a question about an unknown transaction. When I looked around at my job, I came to the realisation that I actually love my job, immensely so.

But I don't think I would have reached that level of thinking if I'd still stuck to my old goal of going back to uni. Me being happy in my job was purely because of a perspective change.

Interesting, that.

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I AM ALIVE!!!

2009-12-09T09:10:47Z

So, it's been a while since I've posted anything here, mostly because most of my update thingies are going to Twitter, and my other writing outlets are sucking all the rest of my writing brain. But I figure I'd give those not on the Twitter/Facebook bandwagon a chance to catch up on my life.

Firstly, my new job is going quite well - I've since moved out of the Identification team, and have been moved into Servicing (basic account services), and I quite frankly love it. It's been a really long time since I've loved my job as much as I do now, and honestly it's a little hard to get used to. I'm used to my job just being a neutral part of my day, now my job honestly makes me feel good. I love going into work, I enjoy every call I take, I feel the need to dance anytime there's hold music... There aren't a great deal of negatives in my job right now. I'm starting to remember, slowly but surely, what attracted me to Customer Service in the first place - the opportunity to help people. And I get to do that all the time at my job, with nothing to stop me. It's really great!

But it's still weird to actually be enjoying my job. I know I should just get over it, but it still feels weird!

Secondly, I have been officially collared! This happened last weekend! I may discuss more about this on the sex filter (or, I may not. I haven't decided yet).

Thirdly, I need to do a whole bunch more chores around the house. My Chore Wars character is falling quite behind, and this must be rectified!

Fourthly, I am madly in love with erinkyan. Really!

Fifthly, This weekend I will be going to some workshops run by passionandsoul, which I am seriously looking forward to. One is about hypnosis and other mind play in BDSM, the other one is on rituals in BDSM, both topics I am looking quite forward to hearing about.

Sixthly, I have not seen people for such a long time, and I want to apologise for that. Getting settled into new job has taken a bit more time than I'd anticipated. I plan to make a promise to keep in touch more with my friends, since I know I've been neglecting that somewhat the last few months. I'll admit the whole being on the other side of the city, combined with full-time work, is making that a bit difficult, but that's no excuse for not trying! If you haven't seen me in a while and hope to do so, give me a buzz, I'll see if I can fit something around my schedule!

Seventhly, I have a four-player Connect 4 game right behind me, and I really want to try it out. Who's game? (this may or may not be connected to the previous item!)

I think that will be all for this update.

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