kirby1024 | A Brief Update on Certain Subjects (Reply)

As much as I'm uncertain as to who reads my LJ for what reasons, I feel that I should keep people on my list aware of what's happening in my life, even the stuff that I'm probably still a little uncomfortable talking about. And so, this post catches up on some of the less savoury parts of my life.

The Rape/Sexual Assault

I've been occaisionally ranting on LJ about this, and I think that about accurately sums up my feelings and experiences right now. I've been agitated for a while, and slowly watching as it feels that my grasp on my feelings around the subject keep seeming to slip away. I've still been watching shows like CSI, and of course, every now and again, the rest of the night becomes one of me not really thinking much at all, like the background processes in my brain won't let me change windows in my head.

A couple of weeks ago, I got note that He entered the Queer Lounge, the end result being that the Queer officer effectively told him that he was persona non grata in the Queer Lounge. You'd think that this would fill me with a certain feeling of satisfaction, but oddly it doesn't. Perhaps part of that is that noone will give me a straight answer on whether he knew what he did to me. From what I've pieced together, he probably did, but then, the Queer officer tried to keep anonymity, and though it looked like he put the pieces together, that's the most positive I can be. It looked like it. If nothing else, all I wanted was for Him to know what he did to me, and that what he did was wrong.

A week or so ago I went to my parent's house, and I got a haircut from my Mum. During that haircut, the subject of my psyche came up, and at one point, my Mother came up with (paraphrased here) "just bury it, that's what I did". After that comment, the tension in the room ratched up quite a few notches. Personally, I don't want to "bury it". As much as I'm sure my Mum meant well by that comment, and as much as I'd like to just tell my mum that I'd much prefer if she didn't say things like that... Parental power relations kinda get in the way here. I'm not sure I can confront my mum on these things.

Last Sunday night I had my first nightmare. Which was quite a bit disconcerting, because I happily don't remember my dreams at all as a rule, good or bad, so I thought I'd be happily immune to them. But this one has stuck in my head. It wasn't a flashback, it was a dream of which the terrifying part was Him seeing me on a street and attempting to confront me, while I'm desperately trying to run somewhere, anywhere, to get away from him. But all the safe places I ran to had some obstacle that I couldn't overcome. A locked door that I had no key for, or an emergency department that I had no medicare card, etc. I woke up with my heart pounding, and a good part of the morning was spent with me desperately trying to forget the dream.

Today I went to the SECASA counsellor. It seemed that things weren't quite going smoothly there, since they couldn't find my info card, and as such I needed to "start over" with the counsellor. He seems a good counsellor, and I'm quite comfortable around him. I next see him on the 14th, and that should be good. Once again, I am... disconcerted at the fact that so many of my assault issues are entwined around my fireflyfaery issues. It's also disconcerting to hear some of the things that come out of my mouth, once reflected upon.

I should note though, that despite these incidents, things are going reasonably in this department. I can't claim that I'm exactly dealing with these things, but at the very least they aren't dealing with me, which at the very least is a worthy second prize.

Me and Prior Relationships
I saw

fireflyfaery at the halloween party, first time I've seen her since I cut her off. I had intended to just sit down, to ride out the feelings, to try and force myself to recognise that she's just a person, that the power she has over me is not something I have to fear, that I have no need to run whenever I see her. Alas, didn't quite work out there. Even surrounded by friends in a safe space, with her completely ignoring me, mostly out of eyeshot, I ran. I goddamned ran again. Just the fact that she was near did it.

How the hell am I supposed to beat that? I know that the only power she has over me is the power that I choose to give her, so why the hell does she have so much power over me? Am I really that much a slave of my own mind? Does she simply have such control over me that the only thing that's safe for me to do is to just stay away? I don't want that to be the case. Not at all. And yet, I don't seem to have the ability to overcome it.

I wonder, sometimes, if I'm more scared of Her than I am of Him...