The Journal of Lee Davis-Thalbourne

I was going to write a post about the rest of the road trip, but to be honest I'm not feeling it anymore. Instead, my head wants to write something else much more urgently. This is going to be a bit rambly, because there's a lot of thoughts in my head related to the subject. I'll try to order it when I'm done but I can't guarantee that it'll all make sense.

( Cut for rape triggers )

As much as I'm uncertain as to who reads my LJ for what reasons, I feel that I should keep people on my list aware of what's happening in my life, even the stuff that I'm probably still a little uncomfortable talking about. And so, this post catches up on some of the less savoury parts of my life.

( Cut for Politeness's sake )

I have perhaps been conspicuous in my silence since my previous, extremely short post, and I suspect that some have speculated as to exactly what happenned on Wednesday at the Police Station. Perhaps my silence has been telling to many of you.

Put bluntly, I had every one of my suspicions confirmed. After telling my story to the SOCAU detective, he indicated that the prognosis for my case was quite grim. Because of the rather... grey nature of the case, It's highly unlikely that the case would reach court. Actually, to be entirely frank, it's not even guaranteed that detectives would even begin an investigation, as it would apparently be quite difficult to determine whether an offence even occured.

To put that last sentence into perspective for people, the question, legally, is not whether the rape did or did not occur, or whether he was there at the time. The question, in my case, is whether he knew that he was doing something wrong. In the story as I recall it, and as I told to the detective, there's a probability that the guy who raped me thought that he had managed to talk to me sufficiently that I was comfortable with the procedings. If that is, in fact, what he thought happenned, then he may not have actually committed an offence. Of course, even if he did know what he did, it's still a he said/he said situation, and I've got no aces up my sleeve to push the scales on to my side.

So, as one might expect, I was not exactly thrilled with this state of affairs. To be honest, I broke down crying when I told my parents about what happenned. My mum ended up coming over to help me through the night. Helped me go through things, helped me make lists, pushed me to go through the hoops of living. Mum, like she often does, pointed out to me that it was natural that I was breaking down at this point, considering the other stressors that are happening in my life. I've still got fireflyfaery issues. My current job will be ending in the next couple of weeks and I'm going to need to find a new job, and I earn too little (and my parents earn too much) for Centrelink to give me money to live. I've got an essay due next week that I've barely started. And that's just the issues that are appropriate for me to discuss publically. I've got a lot of shit on my plate right about now, and I think I used up a lot of my emotional reserve in the last week or two on this issue in particular.

The question, of course, is where I go from here. It's a good question, actually, one that I may have to spend some time answering. The detective at SOCAU said that it may be useful for me to actually go to CASA and get counselled (because, as much as I know that I probably should, I haven't actually done so yet), and to that end I have an appointment with SECASA for Monday afternoon. The detective at SOCAU indicated to me that if I do feel that I want to continue forth with my case, I need only call. But I think I need to get some help and ask myself what I actually want, and whether I'm strong enough to go through with this to the end if that's what I decide. I'm losing nothing with time; the case will be just as strong in a few months as it is now. If it takes a month or two to figure out what I need, I don't see why I shouldn't give myself that at least.

For tonight, however, I shall sleep. I think I need sleep, because I've been horribly, horribly tired the last few days, perhaps with good reason.

Yesterday, I took a step I'm not entirely sure I was capable of doing. I let the Queer Lounge community know what he did to me.

It's a step. Perhaps not quite as big a step as going to the police about it, but a step at least. I've not exactly been silent about what he did to me, but for the most part, It's not reached the ears of people who actually know him. And now, it has. At least that community can watch for him.

And yet...

I feel like there's a war inside of me. Part of me wants to make him suffer to the fullest extent of the law. To make sure he doesn't get to do to anyone else what he did to me (and apparently almost did to another). Another part... I dunno. Is scared? Wants no more part in it? Is afraid of going to the police and nothing happening? There's a massive block in my head, that's resisting the first urge. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why it's there. What's feeding it. Why I can't pick up the phone and call the police.

And it's really starting to get to me. Because it's not the only mental block in my head that I've been trying to grapple with recently. I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind, and that frustrates me on a deep level. I feel like I should be able to deal with this.

After more than a few days of putting it off, I finally called SECASA today.

It's funny, really. I had the courage to tell my parents, to tell my friends, to throw the whole affair onto LJ, but talking to SECASA was so difficult I managed to put it off for several days. It's funny, how the mind works. The call went well, certainly better than the first call. I'm not sure how much assistance I'm going to end up taking from SECASA, but I've been realising that these aren't decisions I have to make now. When I talk to my regular counsellor next Thursday (thankfully she managed to find a time), I think after that I can think about making a decision.

As a side note, I want to thank everyone for their support, you honestly can't imagine how much I've needed it about now.