Where the mind runs free.

[kirby1024]

After handing in my Final Draft of my first essay, It seems that I have a day or so of slack time in my uni work. In general, this might mean that I could take tomorrow off and, well, relax.

Alas, this is probably not going to happen, as I need to work as much as possible while I've still got the work to do. Tomorrow, thus, will probably be a 9 to 5 workday for me. Well, as much as it could ever be, anyway.

And yet...

I dunno. I've been feeling on edge for a while tonight. I'm not sure entirely what's causing it.

I suspect. I suspect I know what's caused it. But I don't want that to be doing this to me. I'm worried that watching CSI tonight about a rape case is affecting me more than I thought it was at the time.

It's...

I dunno. I've read so much literature on reactions to rape, on traumatic events, and this isn't out of place. Hell, it's downright normal. I should not be feeling agitated about feeling agitated!

But I am. I don't want to be feeling this, not at all. I don't want to feel like I'm broken because I can't watch an episode of CSI without feeling horrible for the rest of the night. I want to feel like I'm in control of how my brain is working, even if it's not true (and boy, do I know how not true that is!). I'm more than frustrated at my mind's betrayal - I'm this close to angry at it. How dare my head remind me that I still have this gaping hole in my psyche that I've been happily keeping under wraps for the past month! How dare my head show me that I'm still trying to push myself far more than I should be, all so I can claim I'm still taking care of myself.

More importantly, how dare it pipe up and tell me something, anything is wrong. I don't want anything to be wrong. I want not to be crying right now, ashamed at myself for being hurt right now. I want to be fucking over this.

But I can't. I can't be over this, not for a while.

Comments

[hikaizer.livejournal.com]

I can only imagine that even though you've conciously dealt with it, it's still a large issue for your subconcious; but I'm no pyschologist. But if you're starting to conciously deal now with it I'm sure you'll get there.

[teffania.livejournal.com]

If you are only feeling on edge, rather than crying yourself to sleep (or lack thereof), then pat yourself on the back and take pride in how quickly you are dragging yourself to recovery.

Also remember, that even the rest of us who haven't had personal experiences can feel a little on edge after a more vivid crime show case. That's being a sensitive new age person. Don't expect miracles, and don't push yourself this way again unless you know you've got your support network on call. There's no need to compound matters by refreshing memories. Honest. Give yourself a little more space to recover.

[mauvedragon.livejournal.com]

Being angry about being triggered (ie that reaction) is also a normal response for a survivor of rape or other abuse.

One idea I quite like to use to describe the recovery process is that it's a spiral. While you are healing, there while be cycles of time when you feel bad but you're still healing. These cycles will reoccur but they will also get shorter.

*big safe hugs*

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

It's been over three years for me and I still wouldn't watch CSI. I can do without the voluntarily triggering myself.

[kunoichi-chan.livejournal.com]

*hug* :(

I forced myself to watch CSI the same night as when my co-worker died in front of me at work, of a heart attack. I am sure it's not the same, being it was a natural death, but I made myself do it and got back to enjoying it...

[nifwlseirff.livejournal.com]

I refused to watch those shows for many, many years. I still have trouble at times watching SVU, even though it's been about 16 years. I'm very much still spiralling in my healing - the episodes where I am ok are much much longer now, and the bad 'dips' are shorter and less extreme.
Strangely enough, SVU occasionally provides strength, especially when trying to cut ties with family - it reminds me how far I've come, and nudges me towards what I still need to do.
*hug*