(no subject)

[kirby1024]

I've been dickering about this post for the last half an hour, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure I wanted to post this. Posting on livejournal feels... I dunno, cheap on a lot of levels. But I think I need to. I think I need people to know.

On Saturday night, I was date-raped.

I was drunk, on Saturday night, at Hannah and littlesir's party. I'd driven up, and thus I was staying the night. As it got later, a guy named Peter was there, and we started kissing. I... was not comfortable with him even then, I thought he was too rough with his kissing, and I pulled away telling him so. But then we kept going, and going, kissing for a good half an hour, and by the end of it, I was pretty certain, even in my drunken state, that I didn't want to go any further with him. I even said to littlesir "I've got a little problem, I think I've been leading him on but I don't want to go any further with him".

By the time people were leaving, and the room I was sleeping in was empty, I was feeling more and more uncomfortable, and when he and I were in bed, and he started to kiss me in places other than my mouth and neck, I started crying, and telling him to stop. That time, he stopped, and talked, and he consoled me and talked to me, telling me not to cry, and that it was okay. After a while he sort of tried again, and again I told him to stop, and again he did, but we kept talking and talking, and I told again that I thought he was a touch rough, so he clearly decided that maybe I'd be okay if he just went a little more slowly and gently.

It took me five or ten minutes of him going at me like that to realise that I still wasn't comfortable, but my brain just wouldn't say the word again. I really wasn't comfortable, and wasn't into it, and I didn't tell him to stop, but as he kept working on me, I kept going in my head "This isn't right, this isn't right!". And when he was finished playing with me, and he started kissing me again, My head was crying inside, yelling at me "Why won't it stop? Why can't it just finish?". But my body, my voice, it was like I had to put on the mask, to not let him know. He went to sleep right next to me, obviously completely unaware of what was going through my head. I think I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion - It was practically early morning, and I hadn't had much sleep the night before either.

It didn't hit me of the gravity of the night's events until Sunday afternoon. I spent Sunday crying at Hannah's, and then going to my parent's place. My parents were encouraging me to call CASA, and I did that night, but the girl on the phone was worse than useless. As much as she tried, I just felt like she was barely taking me seriously.

So... Yeah. I managed to get an emergency counselling session at uni today, for which I'm grateful for. To be honest, there's a lot of shit going through my head right now, and I think having the counsellor help me identify a few of them was good. But, of course, identifying them and dealing with them are not the same thing. Multiple people have been saying that I shouldn't be blaming myself, and that it's rather absurd that I'm saying "I should have said stop the third time." But it's not that simple. There's a lot of factors in the whole affair which make it difficult for me to be able to say with confidence that I'm not to blame.

I'm also still grappling with terminology. There's a certain archetype of rape in my head, and this is almost the exact opposite of that impression. It wasn't violent, he wasn't holding me down, he wasn't trying to get me to make him come (he was getting me to come), I'm a guy not a girl. I mean, hell yeah, I feel horrible. I feel violated. I feel like I was raped. But it's just so far away from what I thought rape was. I've been using the word "date-rape", because my conception of that is a touch closer, but it still feels like I'm being inaccurate when I tell people that. And sexual assault just seems entirely wrong. And hell, it's a might disconcerting for my Mum to be talking about how she was raped, and that she has a fair idea of what I'm going through right now.

And, to be honest, I'm not sure about what's out there. A lot of the rape counselling services seem mostly oriented towards female victims, and I'm not sure that I'm willing to brave them. Hell, telling the people at Monash counselling services that I really needed to talk to a counsellor because I'd been date-raped on the weekend was something that I could barely do. I needed littlesir there beside me, and I was still choking up on the words. It sounds stupid, but I feel afraid to take advantage of rape services like CASA, because I have no idea how they'd deal with me.

So, in short, things are a touch difficult for me right now, to understate things. I may be... a little off in the next few days.

Comments

[mauvedragon.livejournal.com]

*hugs* because I really don't know what else to say.

[iosef.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Any time you need to talk.....

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*leaves hugs if you would like them*

First off, it is not your fault, and you are not to blame. Please remember that, whatever else happens. And if people try and dick you around because you're a guy, and "guy's can't be raped" know that they're completely wrong.

Secondly, I wish there was more that I could do to help. I hope that everything works out for you as best it can, and I wish you as much luck and strength as I can send.

~Sor

[mrsjadephoenix.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, and I think it's really tragic that people's perceptions of rape (even your own) are making it so much harder for you to cope with what happened. I wish you the best in getting through this...

[lofwyr.livejournal.com]

Oh man... *hugs*

It's good that you have so much support with you there - plus you can call on more if you need it.

[reulf.livejournal.com]

Oh god! You poor, poor thing! Pet, that is rape simply because you were not consenting and did not want to be there. I've been in a similar situation where I've felt too scared to say no and, even when that didn't ever reach sex, I felt so filthy afterwards, wondering what it was about me that made people think I wanted that. Be assured that you are completely in the right and very much deserve to use any facilities avalible to sexual abuse victims. Take care, ducky.

[omnot.livejournal.com]

Argh. I can see how particularly cruel your situation is. As an abstract concept, if it had been more the stereotypical violent rape, it would be less confusing in many ways. Sex acts performed on anyone without their consent or when unable to resist, for whatever reason - whether it is because someone is a child, incapacitated through alcohol consumption or emotional distress or for any reason powerless - to sexually molest somone who is unusually vulnerable is wrong. Is rape. (sorry. borderline incoherent, here)

Get the counselling and care you need. Don't hold back. If your situation is not met with sympathetic assistance, I'd take that as a reflection on poor services rather than invalidation of your experience and pain.

Oh - and kudos for speaking out. It can't be easy, either.

[kunoichi-chan.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry this happened. :(

I started crying, and telling him to stop. That time, he stopped, and talked, and he consoled me and talked to me, telling me not to cry, and that it was okay. After a while he sort of tried again, and again I told him to stop, and again he did ...... He went to sleep right next to me, obviously completely unaware of what was going through my head.

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing! This guy is a rapist. You said stop, and he did NOT stop. You really, really need to use the strength you've shown here and speak to the police about it.

Whatever you do - and I hope you keep going with the counselling - you seriously are _not_ at fault. The guy is nothing short of a piece of scum, a rapist who preys on the weak. He KNOWS exactly what he did was wrong, and did it anyway. A cowardly piece of scum who doesn't give a damn about anyone else except himself.

He should be in jail.

Do you want to talk to a police woman in the RPGing circle who may be able to give you some advice?

This slimy rapist shouldn't be on the streets to do this to you again, or to anyone else.

Who invited this Peter to the party? They should be offering up his details to the police, IMO, and warning EVERYONE who has come into contact with him about what he has done (and is likely to do again)!

If he can play with someone sexually while they're crying and telling him to stop, he has NO excuse!

You really are the victim, and there's nothing you could have done to get him to stop. You told him to stop, and he ignored you. You could have told him to stop 100 times, and he would have ignored you. Please do call the CASA again, and ask to speak to someone who deals with male rape, if that's possible.

You really need all of the help that any rape victim gets. I'm so sorry this happened and I wish there was something I could do... I would recommend that you do speak with my friend the police woman. She will take you seriously.

:(

[taiba.livejournal.com]

I agree with the above. No means no, to use the usual phrase. Once you tell him to stop, he shouldn't even think about starting again until you tell him that you want him to. He should be arrested for what he did.

I too am so sorry that this happened, and I wish I could make it better. Talk to the police. It's the best thing to do.

[gorynna.livejournal.com]

God, hon, I'm so sorry *hugs*

There's really not too much more to say- though people are certainly right in telling you not to blame yourself, and I can also understand where taking that to heart can be very difficult in this kind of situation- but even if it feels odd or is scary, seeking external support's a good thing to do.

[psuedonym777.livejournal.com]

*hug* Whatever you need dude. We're here for you.

[nervous-neuron.livejournal.com]

Shit, why can't people understand the word 'no'. I hate it when people take advatage of others.

Most rapes are not the violent 'grab someone who is walking alone at night' type, it's done by some supid arsehole you know/just met that only thinks about their stupid selves. And people like the CASA better be willing to deal with you, because on top of everything else you had to deal with, you happen to be a male, a non stereotype. They should understand articles like this: http://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.htm and highlighting "For any male who has been sexually abused, becoming free of these myths is an essential part of the recovery process."

I'm really sorry all this shit is happening to you.

[damien-wise.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear this happened to you. :(

Call it rape or date-rape or whatever label you want...there was no consent. Actually, you gave him the opposite of consent a number of times -- regardless of the circumstances, "no" means no, and he should have seen that.

I think you're really brave for speaking-up, talking about it with your family and friends, and getting help.
And kudos to littlesir for his assistance.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

And in case you hadn't noticed, we all love you and care for you very much...

[twilight-dew.livejournal.com]

That's a horrendous thing to have happened to you! :( I, like so many others, am deeply and intensly sorry. You should not hesitate in seeking out support - places like CASA are definitely equipt in dealing with situations where a male is the victim, so please don't let that deter you.

As for the police side of it I also agree. Anyone who was at that party should be reporting this person to the authorities - as a community we have no reason to be suffering people like this amongst us, and should be protecting ourselves from their disgusting behaviour and abuse by removing them from our midsts. I would also, of course, support your decision to go to the police if this was your choice, but I think that first and foremost you need to reach out for the professional support and help you require.

At the end of the day you are the victim and none of this was your fault. You said no. He ignored it. Pure and simple.

We will support you all the way through this xx

[taiba.livejournal.com]

Lee, this may sound a bit cras, but was there much exchange of body fluids? You may need to go to a hospital to get yourself checked out.

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Please contact CASA. They have male counsellors. I know; my counsellor is male, because I got sick of the way female counsellors tiptoed around me. CASA can help you. The counsellor I saw at CASA was the best counsellor I have ever had. They are specially trained to be able to deal with rape cases and date-rape cases. They will be able to help you. Please contact them. Call 1800 806 292, it is their main line and will put you on to their after-hours line. Or you can contact South-Eastern CASA on 9594 2289 -- they will most likely be your main point of contact, given where you live. Here is their location.

You were uncomfortable. You asked him to stop twice, and you were crying and obviously upset. He should have stopped when he was asked to, but instead he continued to pressure you. Even if you 'gave in', and were drunk, and let him 'talk you into it', or whatever you're thinking, it is his fault, not yours. You made it clear that you were uncomfortable, and you asked him to stop, and he didn't, and that is the main thing here. You are not at fault. I know you may feel that you were, but you aren't. I cannot stress this enough. And yes -- it was definitely rape.

Lee, my thoughts are with you, and if you need any more information on the process of contacting CASA and such, please let me know -- my mobile number is 0409 526 255. I've only just been through the system myself, so I hope that I can help as far as that goes, or just if you need someone to talk to at all.

*safe hugs*

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Also, if you need any help with preparing to contact the police, please ask me, since I've just been through that myself too. Like taiba said, if you can go to the hospital and at least get it on record that you were assaulted, that will be a big help if you do decide to make any charges against him. The sooner the better, if you can bear.

[kirby1024.livejournal.com]

There's the thing, of course - it wasn't penetrative. There's no wounds on my body. No body fluids went either way. Three seconds after the act there was no evidence whatsoever. He just... played me until I came.

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Okay. I thought it was worth mentioning just in case.

Please do contact CASA, at least, because they really can be a big help.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

You should still talk to the police. I mean that seriously. You had littlesir there with you the next day, and that night you told him how you felt. Even if there isn't any physical evidence, you do have that at least.

I just can't stand the thought of that bastard getting away with hurting someone I care about.

As I said above, we all love you dearly. I'd hurt him myself if I could.

[sarky-bitch.livejournal.com]

That's fucked up, my thoughts are totally with you. I'm so angry on your behalf, and I'm really glad you have support around you.

[shemjaza.livejournal.com]

I've sazid it in person, but you know that if you need any help, I'm happy to offer. :(

[mudshovel.livejournal.com]

That really sucks

Hugs

[minxdragon.livejournal.com]

Hi Lee, I've been thinking about what to say since I read this yesterday.. This is really tough for you, I understand. It's a horrible thing. I'm sure in the back of your mind you have the coulda-shoulda-wouldas playing on loop. Don't listen to them. There is nothing else you coulda shoulda done. Don't listen to anyone who tells you what you should have done or how you should feel. They don't know. The only one who really knows is you. turn your back on those who think they know better because they don't.

Sweet, I know it is hard to get up the nerve to go to counseling and stuff, but, from personal experience, if you don't go then you will end up with a big gaping wound covered over with tons of scar tissue. It's hard now, but if you wait it will fester and become very much harder. again, don't listen to the people who try to tell you to deal with it on your own, or that it doesn't count. It counts to you. Sexual Assault is not a competition, there are no prizes- just victims. You said No. You feel Violated. That is what counts, not some imaginary scale. It's easy to try and talk it down, or downplay what happened, It helps in some small way to try to diminish it but it doesn't work. The feelings are just as real no matter what.

I am here if you want to talk, you can call me or drop by any time. I hope you don't mind me offering this kind of advice, You don't have to take it (I'm not going to tell you what you should do ;)) But after 15 years of listening to all the coulda-shouda-wouldas myself, this is what I wish I had done.

*Huge hugs*

Re: Hugs

[originaluddite.livejournal.com]

The person who should be ruminating over "shoulda-coulda-woulda" is the one who abused you Lee. It is one thing to make overtures to someone and another entirely to continue to "make moves" if there is any hint of reluctance from the person subject to that action. And while the word "no" means no, there are also a host of behaviours and expressions that also say no, and everyone should be attentive to and respectful of those indicators. You are a fundamentally kind and gentlemanly person and those characteristics were taken advantage of and that is fucking disgusting.

[ozwiccagal.livejournal.com]

lots o hugs

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

Hi lee, it is Rhiannon here, we have meet a couple of times, ken linked me to this post.

I am sorry to here this because I know how you must be feeling, and I know that everything you have put down here is entirely normal reactions to sexual assault. It occurs to me that gay/lesbian groups might have counseling services which are directed towards you, or at least could point you to groups who would be more able to deal with your needs, please don’t feel like what happened to you was not enough abuse to count, no one who gets beaten up feels they need to point out that they didn’t get there legs broken so it doesn’t really count.
Having said that I want to say again that everything you speak about here is normal, your reactions are normal, many people say similar things after being victim’s sexual assault.

[forsakendaemon.livejournal.com]

I'm so sory I didn't get a chance to read this earlier and get in touch to see how you were.

I hope that you'll be okay. Makes me want to hit someone.

And I've just spent 5 minutes staring at the keyboard because I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that it happened, I really wish that that somehow I could have done something, that I could do something to make everything better.

If you need anything, please call me or message me or something.

All my love,

DAvid.
0405 835 260

[http://users.livejournal.com/_sabik_/]

I've spent 5 days staring at this and I still don't know what to say...

Hope you're okay, and if I can help I hope I will.


Jiri

[piccolo-rocks.livejournal.com]

hi Lee, my name is Tim, we may've met before. I'm a friend of Miles's and I saw you yesterday, but I left as you were talking to Adam and it seemed like a privcate conversation.

I just read what you stuck in the queer book. I'm SO sorry to hear that this happened to you. I'm crying now after I read your LJ post. I've been in a situation where I was drunk and I did something I didnt really want, but in my case it wasn't rape. In your case it was. Sometimes it can be hard to know where to draw the line.

I think I can understand if you feel ashamed about going to the police, I think I would too. I'd be terrified and ashamed. I think you should, but it would mean having to go over it again, and like you said it may be hard for evidence, but please know that what he did to you was wrong and it's not your fault at all. I jsut wanted to ass that it's very brave of you to tell us about this.

I don't think I can do anything to help you, I wish I could, but I'm glad to hear Miles has been a good friend to you and the comments above mine are very supportive, so I'm confident you have lots of friends.

As for coming into the lounge. He NEVER comes in and after what you wrote, I think we have grounds to ban him, but I can understand you avoiding here.

I'm so sorry :'(

[desp-houseboy.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if you know me, but we have met. I'm Derek and I have seen you sometimes at your old place (Montclair) as I am a friend of LittleSir, Gorynna, Kror, Daemon42 etc. I also pass "The Corner" at Monash quite a bit and see you there sometimes.

Lee, the most terrifying thing you said is that you felt you did something wrong by not saying "no" again. He should have stopped after you said no the first time. In fact, he should have read your signals even earlier in the evening before it ever even got to that. It is not your fault about what he did to you, not your fault for how far he got, and it's not your fault for not liking him and hence not wanting him to go there. I know this all sounds cliche how everyone is telling you that you shouldn't blame yourself, because if someone says no there is no excuse for anyone to go further then.

NO ONE IS TO BLAME... NOR IS IT ANYONE'S FAULT. Because by saying it is a fault implies a mistake was made. Nothing that happened was a mistake or excusable. What Peter did to you was a violation: what he did WAS assault and he has committed a crime. He doesn't deserve a second chance. As you say, he may have done this before and this may have already been a second chance. Hell - perhaps he's onto his third (or more) lucky break because some poor boys have felt too vulnerable and ashamed to go to anybody and report it.

This may seem very nasty to TELL you to report him, but I can't live with the thought that he may go ou there and do this all again to someone else. And next time he may even do worse things. By telling the authorities you could prevent him from harming and traumatising anyone else.

I do hope you are alright, and it sounds like you have many great friends out there who are there to lend you plenty of support. Listen to them. What has happened to you there is no excuse for and only a sick and perverted person would try and kiss/do sexual acts on a person who is drunk, crying, and telling them no. Having him locked up wouldn'd make him feel half the guilt, trauma or mixed emotions (and all the other crap) that you are going through.

Remember... your friends are there to help you. Listen to them, they will probably know what's better for you than you think. Take Care.