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Of Other Things
Sep. 14th, 2006 11:32 pmYesterday, I took a step I'm not entirely sure I was capable of doing. I let the Queer Lounge community know what he did to me.
It's a step. Perhaps not quite as big a step as going to the police about it, but a step at least. I've not exactly been silent about what he did to me, but for the most part, It's not reached the ears of people who actually know him. And now, it has. At least that community can watch for him.
And yet...
I feel like there's a war inside of me. Part of me wants to make him suffer to the fullest extent of the law. To make sure he doesn't get to do to anyone else what he did to me (and apparently almost did to another). Another part... I dunno. Is scared? Wants no more part in it? Is afraid of going to the police and nothing happening? There's a massive block in my head, that's resisting the first urge. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why it's there. What's feeding it. Why I can't pick up the phone and call the police.
And it's really starting to get to me. Because it's not the only mental block in my head that I've been trying to grapple with recently. I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind, and that frustrates me on a deep level. I feel like I should be able to deal with this.
It's a step. Perhaps not quite as big a step as going to the police about it, but a step at least. I've not exactly been silent about what he did to me, but for the most part, It's not reached the ears of people who actually know him. And now, it has. At least that community can watch for him.
And yet...
I feel like there's a war inside of me. Part of me wants to make him suffer to the fullest extent of the law. To make sure he doesn't get to do to anyone else what he did to me (and apparently almost did to another). Another part... I dunno. Is scared? Wants no more part in it? Is afraid of going to the police and nothing happening? There's a massive block in my head, that's resisting the first urge. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why it's there. What's feeding it. Why I can't pick up the phone and call the police.
And it's really starting to get to me. Because it's not the only mental block in my head that I've been trying to grapple with recently. I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind, and that frustrates me on a deep level. I feel like I should be able to deal with this.