Somewhere between everyone

[kirby1024]

So, it is perhaps worth me making an update of my own, as people may have noted that I've been a little quiet in recent days, and much has happened.

Two weeks ago not_in_denial and tacomonkey broke up. I can't honestly say that I didn't see this coming, I guess I was more surprised that it came as quickly as it did. not_in_denial asked me nicely if he could stay at my place for a bit, and so being the supportive boyfriend I naturally said yes. So, for the past couple of weeks not_in_denial has been hanging around my place while he tried to organise new places to stay. He has found a place with a few of his friends for the next few months at least, which means I have my room to myself again for a while.

It's rather interesting, being in this position. I don't know a lot of people who can say "My boyfriend's girlfriend has broken up with him, and so he's staying with me for a bit". I feel very much somewhere between lover and best friend at this point, despite the fact that I'm more correctly both. It's very... difficult to be the supportive boyfriend while your boy is heartbroken for his other partner, even more so when he's staying with you and you have nowhere else to go to get a break from it all. Usually I would be fine with mein herr loving another, even loving another more than me, since after all he loves me enough. I'm not stupid enough to insist on a perfect 50/50 split of love, especially when they'd been together for 3 years longer than I'd been around. But seeing him so heartbroken... I guess I really wasn't expecting how much more he loved her.

And worse, it's not like I have a large number of friends that could empathise with me in this situation. As I said, I don't really know a lot of people who can say "My boyfriend's girlfriend has broken up with him". When I told my mum about the breakup, she reacted as if it was a wonderful thing, that I "finally have him to myself", despite the fact that I never wanted not_in_denial to myself. I was not only fine with sharing him, that's actually what I wanted. Neither of my parents really "get" the whole sharing thing, as much as they try. How do you console someone trapped in the fallout? I certainly don't know how!

And then there is the watching my boy in so much pain, knowing full well that nothing you can do will alleviate that pain. It's really a horrible thing for me - I see someone in pain, my first response is to try and help, to make things better. Factor in the sickness as well, with the various physical pains, and it's been almost torturous watching. And, of course, knowing that even watching all this, knowing that I'm only seeing the tiniest amount of what he's going through - that he's keeping as much as he can inside him.

And then there's the fact that this has stretched out for much longer than a couple of weeks. not_in_denial and tacomonkey had been having issues for quite a while, and me being not_in_denial's closest contact, I was getting all his propwash for quite some time. I've been the one not_in_denial has come to when things got too hot and he needed a place to stay for the night. When not_in_denial needed to vent, I was there. And it's not like I could have stayed out of it even if I wanted to - it would have been worse if he'd never told me a thing, if he'd kept all the issues secret from me. It was really a damned if you do/n't issue. You just can't be in a relationship like ours without knowing the relationships around you, especially with someone as honest and passionate as not_in_denial.

Of course, both parties have apologised profusely for putting me in the position I'm in, even though I'm not sure there's much to apologise for. I mean, sure, it's painful for me to watch, but I'm fully aware that it's not a shade on what they're going through. I've seen not_in_denial's pain first-hand, and I can certainly empathise with tacomonkey, seeing as I've been in her position not that long ago. Certainly, all parties involved have been pretty transparent. not_in_denial knows how this is affecting me, it was one of the reasons why he was trying so hard to find other accommodation. It just... It feels like I really can't complain much. Everyone's doing as best they can in a pretty horrible situation. I certainly can't blame anyone.

So... Yeah. I'm currently hoping that a few days to myself will help me process a bit of this. Also, I figured writing this out would help me get some of these thoughts together a bit. To be honest, I haven't written about this stuff a lot because as much as it's my issue, so much of it relied on privileged information that not adding it would have just been pointlessly enigmatic. When so much of the issues in your life are connected to the issues in other people's lives, it never seems appropriate to talk about it to others. But at some point it has to come out, I think, and I think now is a good time.

Comments

[mauvedragon.livejournal.com]

Give Iestyn a call. He'll come closer to understanding. He looked after me during the worst of the post-Klaire break-up fallout.

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It occures to me that

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*hugs*

It occures to me that <lj-user = polyamory> wouldn't be the worst place is the world to post this, as a rant or to ask how others have dealt with this.

[jacquic79.livejournal.com]

Was reading his journal... he is a beautiful person. Nice to know you have someone who has that capacity for love. As for the polygamous thing, I wish I could say I understand what you are going through but I don't... I empathise and I accept and I appreciate it, but no I don't understand. Though I have thought sometimes I would like to...

Have you spoken to Ken or Damien?

I hope things settle down soon for your lovely boy and for yourself. *hugs*

[moomlyn.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you've done very well. You deserve a holiday!

[iosef.livejournal.com]

Its not a case of "more". His pain is real and immeadiate, and therefore overwhealms. If it was in the other direction, it may have worked the same way. In the words of the Weavers: "this too shall pass".
Hugs,
Call if you want or need.

See you Friday.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

Every relationship is complicated, and I guess this one more than most.

I can't imagine loving someone and having them come to me crying because of their difficulties in a romantic relationship with someone else. It's just not something I could deal with.

But then, I couldn't ever "share" someone either, or accept that I wasn't the one they loved most. Maybe I'm just selfish, who knows?

In any case, he will feel better in time. But it will take time. It can take months after the end of a significant relationship before the healing that's taken place becomes noticeable. Prepare to need a lot of patience.

[bonvivanta.livejournal.com]

At least you feel like you can share your thoughts in lj land to your friends and that we care enough to listen/read what you're going through, I was wondering how you were handling it actually. Hopefully sharing it like this doesn't make you feel so alone, and your boyfriend has a lot of friends that love and support him too, so don't feel like this has to be all on your shoulders and your shoulders alone.
As someone else said that polyamory Australia community on here is a good place to share stuff with too like this, polyamory is much more of a complex dynamic than your normal one on one relationship,
hugs
Eilish

[geekweevil.livejournal.com]

breaking up poly is exactly the same as breaking up mono. the same amount of persoal rejection and stress occurs. there seems to be a perception out there that if you have >1 partner then the amount of loss is <1 when you break up.

that is strange and wierd.

especailly, cause if you're poly, you have to put in MORE effort per person when runnign your releationships, as you have more poeple to be effected by every decision. 2 parnters equals much more than 1 plus 1 worth of effort, more like double the effort.

if you're mono and dont get it - I would liken this sort of breakup to a grandparent dying. no one says 'but you have three more, what are you whinging over!'. each person in your life is unique and your relationship with every single person is unique and full and whole and having that end has nothign to do with your other relationships.

[being-bec.livejournal.com]

Nothing constructive to add, just lots of *nods* (with both your post and others replies) and *hugs* Tis not an easy time for anyone involved... Look after you.

[forsakendaemon.livejournal.com]

I don't think that there's really anything I can say other than...

*huggles*

Love,

D.

[happypea.livejournal.com]

I'd actually wondered how this had been effecting you. It's so lovely that the both of you are so honest with each other. Life, relationships, are messy, complicated and difficult so I truly believe that being utterly open and honest is the most beautiful thing you can do for and with each other.

[happypea.livejournal.com]

Er, I posted that prematurely but actually I can't think of anything more to add. Best wishes to the both of you though. Erin is lovely and you too seem lovely.