*blows dust off LJ*

[kirby1024]

It has been some time since I've posted anything significant in my journal. I think it's about time to start reversing this trend. Alas, this post is quite heavy and angsty, so enter at your own peril


It is completely of no surprise that I have a lot of issues. Even aside from 2006's ugly stamp on my life, I had more than a few issues beforehand. Admittedly, it's only recently that I've started to actually, you know, realise they're there, mostly through the expedient of them rudely butting into my life.

But now they're really starting to piss me off. It feels like they're directly conspiring to take my boyfriend away from me.

I guess one of the big issues is that I'm not a person who's particularly good at letting people in. When I think back on it, I suspect that this has actually been the case for the vast majority of my life. I don't give much of myself out to people, and while I can hold a conversation for a very long time, you'll find that you learn very little about my internal states in these conversations. I can talk about any number of things except myself. When it comes to talking about stuff I have a personal interest in I'll talk generalities and discuss experiences but never how they make me feel.

Of course, it goes a little further than that - not even I know how I feel a lot of the time. Ask me how I feel, and I suddenly seize up. My brain refuses to let me feel at all. It's like my brain keeps my heart under a lock and key, refusing to allow access, even if it's me that wants access. It seems that I keep the entire world at arm's length.

Which of course, relates to another big issue - An incredible lack of self-knowledge. I feel, so often, that I have no clue whatsoever who I am. This is also a common issue, or so I'm told, but it makes a lot of things very unpleasant. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I'm capable of. And worse, I don't know how I feel. Thus, I seem to be very susceptible to people making suggestions about how I feel, and then inserting them into my mind as if that's what I actually feel

So, why do I feel like explaining all this?

About a month or so ago, My mind dragged me down so far to the point where I was basically waiting for not_in_denial to give me an excuse to break up with him. It culminated in a day in the city where neither of us really got a chance to do anything that we actually wanted while we were in the city. The very frustrated me started getting angry at not_in_denial and accused him of something, what I can't remember anymore. At that point, the two of us (by which I mean not_in_denial) realised that I was doing this. I'd been distant even for myself, I'd been barely paying attention to the world around me. Why? Because my head was completely disengaging me from the relationship. We started to realise that the reason I was doing this was because I was becoming thoroughly dissatisfied with my life, and felt out of control, thus I was taking it out on the one thing I did have control over - my relationship.

Once sorted, we pushed through that and kept going, as after all, once you've identified what's going on, you can deal with it, right?

Today, not_in_denial came over and, being sleep-deprived as he is, he basically went right to bed when he arrived. That was fine and dandy - but while he started to sleep, he mumbled "Don't leave me anytime soon, please?". I of course said I wasn't going anywhere, but the comment freaked me out.

Why? There are competing possibilities, but I suspect the main reason is that a few weeks ago, after my younger brother's 21st, I was driving home with my Uncle Brian, and we discussed quite a bit of stuff about relationships. One of the comments made was how he had often stayed in a relationship because he didn't want to hurt his partner. That, of course, hit a nerve in my head, and that thought has been tumbling through my mind for the past week, eventually hitting the point where I was honestly confused. Was I staying with not_in_denial because I was afraid of what the breakup would do to him?

The comment pushed my brain further on this while not_in_denial was sleeping, and while I did chores to distract myself, I found myself feeling thoroughly horrible for the entire day. When not_in_denial asked I just noted that I was having a down-cycle day.

It all came to a head about 4 hours ago when I finally started curling into not_in_denial and he started teasing out of me why I was acting so weird. So I told him about the comment freaking me out, and then, bit by bit, I started telling him about what I'd been thinking today.

As is understandable, that went down really well. As I kept talking about it not_in_denial flatly pointed out that I'd better figure out real quick whether I was there because I wanted to be there or whether I was there because didn't want to hurt him by getting out. The questioning kept going until eventually I broke down and just sobbed, saying "I don't want to lose you", over and over. Which is very, very true - I don't want to lose him. Once again, I've realised that my brain has been stabbing me in the back, trying to make me break up with my boyfriend.

And I can tell you exactly how I feel: Frustrated. Confused. Betrayed. Out of Control. In short, I'm feeling exceptionally negative towards my mind and how it's treating me right now. I want it to stop shoving all these thoughts through my head. I want to actually feel as certain about my relationship as when I'm in not_in_denial's presence when I'm not with him. I don't want to have all these doubts and issues, because I know that, at the bottom of it, I don't just love him, I know that he's fantastic. He's the most understanding, caring man I know, and he deals with so much of my shit. I know he loves me, because hell, after all this he's still here, still in my bed.

I would like very much for my issues to leave not_in_denial and me alone. Why won't they? I feel like I'm constantly sabotaging my relationships, and this is a good relationship! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Comments

[halloranelder.livejournal.com]

Lack of confidence is a serious problem.

You don't think you are good enough, therefore you don't deserve not_in_denial, therefore he shouldn't be with you, therefore your brain tries to get rid of him, which would then just confirm that you aren't good enough, spiral down and down and down.

Not good. A bit of confidence in yourself will work wonders, unfortunately it's very hard to come by if you don't have any.

Good luck.

*hugs*

[astaereth.livejournal.com]

I sympathize. I too can overthink things sometimes, and twist myself into knots without the benefit of independent thought.

My suggestion is...

"We started to realise that the reason I was doing this was because I was becoming thoroughly dissatisfied with my life, and felt out of control, thus I was taking it out on the one thing I did have control over - my relationship."

If this is still a problem, you should work on. Figure out what's dissatisfactory. And start something you can control, so that the relationship isn't the only thing you're able to affect.

And I hope you've talked with your boyfriend about all the things here, how you're feeling, what you want to happen, what you don't want to happen. It's a big step toward opening up, which is again something you seem to think you need.

Finally, have you considered counseling? Getting a secondary (professional) opinion on your mental issues can really put them in proper context.

I hope you start feeling better. *hugs*

[deird1]

*many hugs*

No wise advice, but I'm praying for you...

[indigo1.livejournal.com]

at the risk of sounding like an old hippy, there's a technique from meditation practices called 'mindfulness meditation' which i think could be useful to you for sorting out some of these issues. it sounds simple, but it's not. it involves basically taking time out to sit quietly, calm down, and focus on trying to identify what you are actually feeling. you start by identifying the physical sensations you are feeling, and then move to the emotional aspects from them. it's a very good way to realise stuff like times when fear is masquerading as anger or irritation (which it often does), and become more aware of what's going on in your internal emotional landscape. if you're interested i can try and find a good intro to the technique for you.

ps: good luck with it...

[aeduna.livejournal.com]

Its not that unusual to have thoughts like "is this where I really want to be?" in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up over the immediate impulses - its a good idea to do this sort of self-check. It might be you go "yeah", or "hmmm, yes, but" or sometimes its just "actually, no, this is not fun".

It sounds a little like you're assuming that the initial thoughts are EVIL and to even have them is bad. Bollocks! It doesn't mean you automatically don't want to be there.

Talking about stuff that isn't ideal is also the way to go. Letting it brew and bubble and mulch in your head is a bad thing to do. Nothing generates paranoia in a partner faster than a non-communicative, clearly concerned partner.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

Every relationship has to go through a "questioning" phase. People always think that relationships always have to be certain and if you're not certain then you should leave etc etc, but that's not the case.

This is the stage where you evaluate it, and if you love each other and want it to work then you find a way to make it work.

You need to sort out which parts of your life you are dissatisfied with and work on fixing that. Get not_in_denial to help you; he can provide invaluable support and you can do it together.