I have Hope.

[kirby1024]

There's been a bit of stuff in the last few days.

Saturday was not_in_denial's Party, and frankly it was brilliant and awesome. We'd nabbed the entire top of the Grace Darling Hotel, so we had plenty of space and lots of food, and there was good people to chat to... It was just generally a party full of win. I got to talk to a few friends that I hadn't talked to for a while and chat about things I'd been itching to talk to them about, which was good because I'd been kinda worried about them. Also, soooo much food left over after the party. I think I've been subsisting on leftover party food for the last few days. But it's sooooo goood.....


Sunday was spent with me and not_in_denial in my flat, doing our stuffs, mostly. we got to talking and somehow the topic came to my previous sexual history, in particular my stereotypical teen twink "sex with lots of men" section. Me and not_in_denial talked a bit about it, and I realised that actually, yeah, that was actually pretty traumatic for me at the time, and is still pretty traumatic to think about. I had a good, long cry because it suddenly occurred to me exactly why I'm so fucked up about sex, and that wasn't a pretty realisation. In reality, it just pushed further the whole thing that not_in_denial's been pointing out in that I really need to see a psych again to start talking and discussing all these issues, because I don't want my boyfriend to be my psych - not at all.

Monday I was listening to one of my podcasts, in particular one of the recent All In The Mind podcasts on Neuroplasticity - how the brain is capable of altering itself on the fly, at all points in a person's life. In what was a rather strange connection, I think it actually pulled me out a little - to me, it served as this big slap-in-the-face reminder that I've been leaning a bit towards fatalism in regards to where I think I'm going in life. The podcast pointed out the somewhat obvious, but easily overlooked fact, that the experiences in my life, and the effects they have had on me, aren't set in stone - they're there, of course, but it's not like the way they've affected my brain is written in permanent marker. If I want to, I can change my brain. I can mold my brain into whatever I want it to be.

And that realisation has suddenly given me a lot of hope. Because there have been a lot of traits of mine that I've not been a particularly big fan of, but have just been resigned to just being there (the big one being my clear lack of self-discipline - I just jump from one place to another, never sticking with anything for long). But nothing in my mind is set in stone - anything changed once can change again. And it's not like I can't work towards a long-term goal - after all, I have three degrees now, right? University is one hell of a long-term goal.

And even better - I've been beating about on the subject of going to a psych again, partly because I'm scared of it, but the excuse I was using was that I didn't have the time, seeing as I'm at work 9-6 each day, with no real way of getting off early. But I think I've come up with a solution that might work - so if I can find a good, queer-friendly psych in the city... Because I need help if I'm going to be the person I want to be, to be able to do all this. And I want to. I really want to.

In other news, I'm desperately waiting to call my real estate agent, because due to some faffing around with my rent money, it's stuck in the wrong account. With a direct debit due tomorrow. And I really don't want to be stuck with a $150 charge on my account...

Comments

[darkteddy.livejournal.com]

Do you prefer male or female psychs, and are you after a psychiatrist or just a run-of-the-mill queer friendly psychologist?

If it's the latter, I can give you a name to check out. Up to you though.

[kirby1024.livejournal.com]

I'm looking for a psychologist, I'm not certain I need anyone stronger just yet. Where are they based?

[goatsfoot.livejournal.com]

I've been wanting to read up a bit more about neuroplasticity too. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, and this is inspiring! Can be so easy to get stuck in certain ways and believe they're just the way one is. Hope you find a good psychologist. Some of them are so "I know so much more than you about you".