An update of vast proportions

[kirby1024]

So, The last week has, unsurprisingly, been quite massive:

Moving
Sunday was moving day, a surprisingly larger venture than the previous move. Apparently two years of being in one place added much more stuff into my life. So, my parents, littlesir and Hannah spent much of the afternoon packing all my stuff into boxes and bags and driving them to my new place. The morning was spent with me helping the Man with a Van move all my big stuff and picking up my new fridge (so I have most of the essentials at my place now. I merely lack furniture...)

So, now I has a new place! It's very exciting.

Sickness
Of course, I was moving while I had a cold, and all the exertions gave me one hell of a fever on sunday night. So, I've not been at work today or yesterday to recuperate. Hopefully, I'll be back to working state my tomorrow. This is, BTW, why I haven't around online much - my internet will still take a week or so to be activated in my house...

A Strange Sort of Self-Discovery
On Wednesday me and not_in_denial had big discussions, which have made me think a lot about stuff. See, when me and not_in_denial first got together, the first thing we did was point out the bits about ourselves that we thought were most likely to cause problems. For me, it was that I didn't really know who I was. At the time this just went in a whole bunch of directions - that I'd broken up with Lara, broken up with Ryan, started looking at polyamory, was still sorting myself out after the rape... Basically, it was a chaotic time in my life and I didn't know where I was going.

So, a year later, and I have come to a stunning realisation that not much has really changed. I still don't know who I am. I've worked through a lot of stuff, but I haven't come close to actually dealing with stuff enough to let go of it, and I still have issues with simple things like, you know, what I actually want. Not just the "what I want now", but "where I'm going, what I want out of life". And that's making things difficult - because knowing what I want is kinda important if I want to know, say, where I want my relationships to end up. I can't just keep taking things a day at a time, because that's not fair to partners present or future.

Now, of course, I have realised this stuff. And I realise why it's important. And now that I know the what and the why, I might be able to start learning who I am and what I want. Because I don't think that before I was ever really interested in finding out. But I think that now, I have a shot. I'm realising that I can't get away from myself anymore.

Comments

[kriyanna.livejournal.com]

Hmm. You and I should talk sometime about how people are defined. There are so many ways to look at it... A good way is thinking about how you think of other people, what makes them *them*?

Does self definition really have to be based on what you plan to achieve in your life? What you like doing, sure it is part of who you are, yet only a part.

But moreso, people can be made up of their traits and tendencies, how they respond in any or many given situations. Going through traumas can alter your reactions to external life... and make you feel less like "yourself", until you get past the issues.

If you can get a good grasp of you 'you' are in this sense, when you apply the idea to life-path and achievements, you'll realise that you can't really make mistakes because you're acting truthfully to your own sense of self.

<3

[metal-dog.livejournal.com]

Congrads on yr successful move! :D It's always nice to have that particular stress behind you. I hope yr feeling better now too.
Funny, the overwhelming thought i had when reading yr revelatory paras was "join the club, i don't know who i am either". But, on the other hand, i certainly know what/who i am not. Perhaps that's a good place to start? And certainly there is a difference between having aspirational goals and identifying with them to the point of rigidity, which i find a lot of ppl do. Hell, i used to do that, and in the end i had to let go of a lot of who i thought i was. I guess what i try to do now is keep my core self flexible and distinct from my goals and my boundaries.

But hey, no rush to work yrself out all in a year or two - it takes most ppl their entire life! :)